Must All Good Things Come to an End?

It's been a while since I have written. Mostly because I wasn't sure what to write. I got a job. Not just any job. I got a great job.

A few weeks ago I went to two interviews in one day and the company that wanted me was the company I wanted and here I'll be starting in a few weeks. It's been a long, strange trip for sure but one that I wouldn't really trade for anything. I am grateful for the perspective and humility I have found. I am very grateful for the time I have been able to spend with my sister because we were able to re-establish our very special friendship through having a lot of time to talk and to share - although I did end up paying $50 over in my phone bill for all the extra minutes. She's now in my circle/fave5/whatever so it's all ok. I have firmly established myself as the favorite aunt among my nieces and nephews. Mostly, I'm happy that I had so much time to enjoy the summer and I think I did it well.

I'm not sure what I'll do with this blog from here on out but I want to thank anyone that read it because I sincerely have found myself humbled by being so honest and truly stunned by the feedback I have gotten.

So for now, good night and in a few weeks - I'm going to work for an Internet company. I do live in Seattle so it's probably about time that I did.

Everything happens for a reason and other things people say when they have no idea that things may or may not actually get better

"Almost the chief mystery of life is what makes one do things. Let the reader
look back over the path he has traveled and examine searchingly and faithfully
the reasons, impressions, motives, occasions which led him to this or that
decisive step in his career… Small people, casual remarks, and little things
very often shape our lives more powerfully than the deliberate, solemn advice of
great people at critical moments. Men and women as often as not address
themselves to serious emergencies with resolution and with a conscious desire to
choose the best way. But usually in our brief hazardous existence some trifle,
some accident, some quite unexpected and irrelevant fact has laid the board in
such a way as to determine the move we make. We have always to be on our guard
against being thrown off our true course by chance and circumstance; and the
glory of human nature lies in our seeming capacity to exercise conscious control
of our own destiny. In a broad view, large principles, a good heart, high aims,
a firm faith, we may find some charts and a compass for our voyage. Still, as we
lean over the stern of the ship and watch the swirling eddies in our wake, the
most rigid and resolute of us must feel how many currents are playing their part
in the movements of the vessel that bears us onwards."Winston Churchill

I got to thinking today about the phrase “everything happens for a reason”, and realized it is one of those things you say when you have no idea what to think or do because you’re completely adrift. It’s an optimistic thought based on the idea that most things out there are not worse than how you feel right at that moment and you are just hoping that over time things will improve and hindsight will cast your memory in a favorable glow helping you feel that the journey from that bad place led you to somewhere better.

Earlier today I remembered very vividly the day back in April where when I had been laid off and called friends and family to share the news. One particular conversation came to mind. I had called a very dear friend and left her the message. I then heard that that same friend had just the previous night had an accident and fallen in the shower and gotten quite hurt. When I called again to check on her she kept trying to talk about me. I had reassured her I was fine with the statement “I’ll be ok. I know everything happens for a reason and I’m sure this is for the best in the long run. Now how about your face?” I had no idea why things happened at that point and the reality was I felt shell-shocked and rudderless with no idea what was going to happen. It would be a while before I didn’t feel those things anymore. Now I can barely remember those feelings. I mean I can in the way that you can feel a thorn in your foot that you couldn’t get out and calluses have grown around. It’s with a sort of detached almost triumph that I’ve boxed those feelings up and put them away.

I had thought that this was one of the most devastating things that would happen to me. I had fought very hard to remain optimistic and put on the bravest face because I did not want to give anything up about me to anyone but my close friends and family. I had taken it so personally. My work was the biggest thing I was proud of in my life, if not the only thing and I had wrapped myself so much in my job that the elimination of my job, felt like the elimination of part of me. I had no perspective about the many worse things that can and do happen. At that point, I was miserable.

The reality is so clear. It wasn’t personal. It was business. Necessity changed the world I worked in and there was no future for me in the vision they had created. It had nothing to do with my awards, or me – they needed to mix things up to stay afloat and that’s that. And I have been thinking about not that everything happens for a reason, but that everything that happens opens up new possibilities. I have always tried to work on the premise that it’s not what happens to you that’s important but instead what you do as a result with what you're given that matters.

I am looking forward to working again. Working is fun and a great way to learn new things, to challenge yourself, make money, contribute to something, and meet new people. I have discovered that for me, it will not be my primary antidote for boredom, loneliness or insecurity. Those feelings are stirred up internally and need to be dealt with and not masked with business. It’s ok to be bored sometimes. It’s really ok to be lonely sometimes. And everyone is insecure sometimes. Working on myself, and exploring new passions, and working to spend time with people that make me feel good are much more satisfying to my soul than checking my work email at 2:00 on a Sunday afternoon because I don’t think I have anything better to do and not because anything actually important may happen. See the thing is, I want to work and have a job I love and look forward to and get excited about throwing myself into. I love that rush. But I don’t want my work to be the only thing in my life I’m proud of, or excited about, or motivated by. You’re not your job and really, would you want to be? Well if my job was lottery winner or queen of the universe then of course, but otherwise no.

I am looking forward to working again. A new workplace presents an entire world of new possibilities. No one there has seen all my outfits, or my cute shoes. They have not heard all my stories which I’m certain run thin with my existing friends. I am excited to make new friends. My circle could benefit from some new blood and I have some great single friends that might like my potential new friends. At a new office they would know almost nothing about me. It’s a huge opportunity for reinvention.

Does everything happen for a reason? I doubt there is some power out there that saw I needed to reinvent myself into a person who gets my pride from my accomplishments, and my relationships, the quality of people in my life, my projects, my writing, and my resilience. I don’t believe there was some design that recognized I was unhappy and set the gears in motion. Can I say with confidence that I am better because of this? Yes. I made this for myself and wouldn’t change a thing if I could.

Would I say to someone in a similar situation as I found myself in three and a half months ago that everything happens for a reason? No. I would say – what a fantastic opportunity to really reinvent yourself. Will it be really hard at times, of course. Will you likely feel it was worth it at the end. Definitely.

I'm just saying...this is all we're looking for

This wasn't a job I wanted, but I wanted to give props to PRNewswire for their wonderful and prompt response to my resume submission. Thanks guys!

Thank you for completing the online interview for the position with PRNewswire. Your information has been carefully reviewed, and it has been determined that there are others who better fit this job. Should the requirements for this job change or we identify other jobs that are a potential fit, we will follow up with you.
Thanks again for your time and interest,
The Recruiting Team

If I hadn't said persistance was one of my strengths, I would have given up already :)

I still don’t have a job.

Frankly, I’m over looking for one too. Should I admit that out loud? It’s true though. I had to force myself to sit at the computer tonight and look for jobs. I’m not upset about it…just sort of ambivalent. How many “all that’s stopping you is your fear of cold calling” job postings can one girl read in her lifetime? Last week I lucked out because my three job contacts were all related to the two interviews I had last Wednesday. Yep two different companies got to see my interview suit.

I like interviewing. It’s fun to see how if I can make them like me. I’m a middle child – it’s one of our core competencies. Interviewing is pretty fun. Plus I am finding that I may finally be past the point in your career where the interviewers as you about your five year plan. Yeah – I’ve never had a good answer for that question. I’m still interested in both companies although one called me the next day to schedule another interview this week. So far in terms of who likes me best, they win. I’ll keep you posted.

As for tonight’s job search…I am now looking for jobs that make me say to my husband “hey honey…listen to this one”. My top four:
1) Driving a milk route and selling milk and dairy products to home. Do people still do that? Dairy folks get up too early for my taste.
2) Another one says that they are hiring “arborists only” and then later in the posting “no knowledge of trees required”. I can climb trees though and apparently it pays well to do that!
3) My favorite – the listing says “Skeptics need not apply”. Seriously, this one is going to be awesome. The entire website is pictures of this guy at all of these vacation spots, in front of some fancy cars AND includes a shot of a bill from a restaurant where apparently he can eat all the time because he’s made it rich working for himself from home. He must not have had to go through the eight pages of his own website to get the secret…it was too ridiculous to continue.
4) Good news…Little Caesars Pizza wants me (someone should)

Isn't there an internal mechanism in your head that tells you not to send stuff like this?

OK, so this email didn't come to me but it was forwarded to me by a friend who is currently looking for a job. They applied for a job and received the following back from someone associated with the company they were applying for. I don't want to be upset with anyone that responds to a resume submission because of the entire world, I assume there are only three people in the world doing this since for most jobs we apply to we don't ever hear anything...but, I wonder how many people sending emails actually read them to see if they make any sense or at the very least...aren't totally lame before they send them? In this case, they were thanking my friend for their submission and telling them that people in their career path (which was not the right one at all, and had their name weirdly inserted throughout the email, and basically told them that although they were great... Read on and you'll see what I mean.

"Dear (blogger's friend),

I wanted to write to thank you (blogger's friend) for your recent interest in our firm. also wanted to take a chance to advise you (blogger's friend) personally because you have an excellent record. I am very glad that you contacted [us], and I’d like to take this opportunity to give you some advice that I really hope will help your career. First, there is no doubt you have an outstanding record. Your experience appears quite strong in all respects. We feel privileged that Brand Manager professionals such as you (mind you this was not my friend's current job or job they were applying for or even their career) contact us on an ongoing basis. Yet, the ability of recruiters to make placements with these employers depends on various factors. Although your credentials will likely allow you to get several job offers, at this point, despite the relatively high quality of your credentials and experience, we believe that you would best be served by conducting your search on your own rather than through a ecruiter. Given the strength of your record, it is my opinion that you can get severaloffers—but most likely not [through us]. As a Brand Manager (again, really?)professional, I believe you can easily find many positions within the marketingindustry— Account Executive, Commercial Marketing Manager, FieldMarketing Manager, Online Marketing Intern (oooh intern, really?) —to name a few. Here is how I would go about getting a position if I were you: How To Bypass A Recruiting Firm And Apply Directly To Specific Openings. Because we are a recruiting firm, a large part of our job is screening candidates for employers. More importantly, due to the fact that employers pay us to locate candidates, they also give us much more demanding hiring criteria than they might otherwise have if you were to approach them for the same positions on your own. This is especially so in the marketing industry. A marketing firm or an employer looking for a Brand Manager professional is more likely to hire you if you are applying on your own, rather than coming through a recruiting firm. In addition, because we are contractually obligated to only introduce candidates matching an employer's "specific" hiring criteria, we cannot give away the identity of our clients unless someone meets exactly what they are looking for. ... In the future, I also hope you come back to us in your career for assistance with your job search."

Another friend of mine once went to an interview that he thought went super well (except his car got towed while he was inside). He had dressed up in his best suit, chatted about his experience, etc and thought OK we'll see where this goes. The next day he got a 2 page email from the interviewer not only saying he wouldn't be considered but it was this vitriolic diatribe lambasting him for failing to dress up for the interview and criticizing his appearance, lack of work ethic and personal presentation. What the *****!!!? We could only figure the interviewer got him mixed up with someone else but seriously, who does that? Say no thank you and leave it at that.

I once met a guy and exchanged phone numbers that night. He called me the next day to tell me that he was not going to call me again to ask me out and proceeded to explain to me why in ego crushing detail-- I was so amazed I couldn't think of any great comebacks but seriously, what? If it's not a good fit, it's not a good fit. We're OK without your opinions.

Again, an automatic email response that says "Thank you so much for your interest in our (blah, blah, blah). If we find that your qualifications and talents match an opening with our company you will be hearing from us" or "Thank you for your interest. We have decided to go in another direction" is all we need. Some companies do have this. I love you all. To the rest of you...no one who's applying for jobs wants your "professional advice". We're professionals. If you don't want us, fine but leave it at that.

What a difference a week makes

What a week! It’s only Friday but it’s been a very busy and pretty fun week. I am enjoying my temp job and they offered to keep me on as long as I want. They’re really nice and honestly it’s a huge ego boost because they keep telling me how great I am doing. I'm calling to sell memberships to this organization and no one has signed up yet except for the guy I called who it turns out has known my husband's grandfather since the two of them were teenagers. I'm keeping my fingers crossed because I need the money I can hopefully make in commission. I’ve settled on a schedule that I’ll work 15-20 hours a week as long as I want and they will work with my schedule and things that come up.

I had a phone interview on Thursday with a job here in town that I applied for only two weeks ago. I was really nervous but I’m good on the phone and I actually like interviewing and trying to get people to like me – it’s the middle child in me. The more I heard about the job, the more interested I became. it's a very different company and position than I have ever had and that sounds really exciting to me. The good news is – I’ve got an in-person interview next Wednesday! I have been able to avoid planning out my future there too…just get through the next phase. Enjoy the process to quote my friend Cathy.

Today I had a phone interview with a company I absolutely love for another job. This is my second interview with them. OK so for the hour before the guy called me I paced all over the house, mopped the kitchen, and played five video games on my phone. The hour arrived and in the two minutes between when the clock said 10:00 am and he called I was convinced he wouldn’t call at all. Once we started talking, it all went well. Although have you noticed that it's only when you're in the middle of something like that do you catch a mistake in spelling on your resume or you say something stupid and you dwell on that for about an hour! I think it went well too and he did ask me to meet with him in person next week too.

Exciting stuff but I’m exhausted…I’ve been “on” all week! As for now, I’ve applied for two jobs this week, interviewed for two and went to that fateful job fair. Job-seeking girl is checking out for the afternoon. I might be a working girl soon…off to the gym at 3:00 in the afternoon – might not be able to do that much longer.

Have a great weekend!

It's all about the merit badges

I think there should be a merit badge system for job seekers. We each are issued a sash with our layoffs and you get to earn badges for each step of the job search. It would give us goals to reach and maybe if we wear them out we get discounts at restaurants and bars.

Your first badge is your “unemployment badge”. You earn that for filing for unemployment but you can’t wear it until you go to the mandatory orientation for the newly unemployed. This may also be the last time you dress up for a while so it’s a great opportunity for a photo up.

You will earn a badge for “resume” when you get your resume up and going. You’ll undoubtedly feel a surge or pride when you read your resume and see how accomplished, talented and desirable you really are. Shininess of badge is not diminished by lack of response to your fantastic resume.

You can earn a badge for “worst interview”. Even better if this interview is also a meeting for any sort of pyramid scheme. I know of people who are invited to interviews only to sit through presentations about home cleaning, diet supplements, investment opportunities and more.

I believe there may also be a badge for the email lead which you receive unsolicited but sounds promising and eventually involves you following about 47 prompts, offering up your personal contact info and almost certainly ends with a phone call from the University of Phoenix, a satellite installation company, or an email from the attache of the Prince of Nigeria asking you to help him repatriate $100,000 just by providing your bank account info.

There is a special bonus badge available for “job fair”. Job fairs are offered throughout the city and for different employment focuses. I went to one last night that I was invited to through one of the job boards I signed up on. The job fair even required pre-registration so I thought it was going to be really a great opportunity. I should have known. The parking lot was crowded with all of us, each in our suits with our resumes crisp in new manila folders, looking for a good parking spot. The elevator up to the floor with the ballrooms was suit shoulder to suit shoulder wondering what we may find in the ballroom. When I got into the main room, I was surprised and not the least disappointed to find only five exhibitors were there. There were at least fifty of us in the room. There were two insurance companies, one payment processing company, one home security company, and a funeral home. Seriously. I did decide to engage the guy from the payment processing company who talked at length about their market share, infinite territory and possibility, and how you can make six figures. I talked about myself and handed him my resume. He handed it back and said if I was interested I could contact the recruiter which he didn’t really have any control over. There was no interviewing there. None of these jobs even had salaries. Of course you have infinite possibilities when all they offer you is limited training, a business card and no territory - maybe I'm not that kind of self-starter. At least the guy from the funeral home was good looking - infinite possibilities there too since all of us at some point need his services. The more friends you have and people you know, the better you will do with their company since everyone at some point dies. He said that. I said goodbye.

I got my badge. It’s all good. My sash is coming along nicely.

The reality is, all of us job searchers have these ridiculous experiences in common. It's kind of a rite of passage and frankly, if you can keep a sense of humor, you'll probably survive this a lot better. There are always those people that get a giant severance package when they lose their jobs and then get a new job the next day and ride to work on their white unicorn and eat ice cream for lunch and never gain weight. Those people suck.

For the rest of us. It might be taking longer than we had hoped or planned to find our next job. Maybe the time we are spending is showing us that maybe we're not getting what we thought we wanted because there's something even better waiting just a little bit farther down the road.

The unemployed, the underemployed, and me!

Last night I went to a party with some friends and colleagues from my old work. I had been sort of nervous to go. I have kept in touch with most people from my work and seen them individually but going to a group thing really made me feel like it was a “work thing” and having now work, I felt a bit weird about going. Of course it turned out to be fun and fine. My friend is leaving our old department and is literally moving up in the world to the one department at my old company that has the best floor, the best views and furniture in the company Go Kate.

Being unemployed among workers, even my friends made me think. Currently, the Unemployment Rate in Washington is 5.5% (Bureau of Labor Statistics). That means almost 6 people out of every 100 are not working. What unemployment rates fail to calculate and people aren’t seeing is that that number only counts the actual people who are not doing any work, claiming unemployment and searching for work. The actual number of people affected by unemployment is much higher. Underemployment is rampant. Roughly defined, being underemployed means working in a field that does not utilize your advanced skills and knowledge, and/or being partially employed where you are working less hours than you would like. The unemployment rate also doesn’t include the folks for whom unemployment benefits have run out so they are no longer claiming, and/or the folks who have just given up.

I think things are starting to get better. I know I will get a job and also likely may be “underemployed” at some point in the process. However, I do have faith in the process and I know that I will only get what I go out and make happen. I’m proud of the small things I’m doing to make money and really it’s been great experience and as someone told me the other day, I’m now Web 2.0 experienced. So stick it to the person that didn’t think I was savvy enough to work in their marketing department! (I won’t tell you who).

I’m talking about all of this because I have at times flirted with being defensive at the fact that I have no job. I have felt my explanations and work search statistics at the ready just in case someone says something. The reality I am seeing is that the working world has many moving parts and for a while, I’ll be a member of this group. There are apparently hundreds of thousands of us. Most of us are at home because we have no money but sometimes if it’s sunny, you can look out of your office window and see us waving to you. We’re taking walks in the sunshine and maybe treating ourselves to an ice cream at 2 o’clock on a Friday :)

Have a great weekend. I start my temp job on Monday.

When I first moved to Seattle ten years ago, I lived on my brother’s couch and looked for work for about three weeks before I found a job. I had a year and half non-profit experience, a college degree, and a lot of optimism (seen by all EXCEPT the folks at the Bellevue Square Disney Store who told me I seemed too sad to work there). I had a lot of job offers and picked one that sounded fun. I made no money but that was the trade off for no experience.

Ten years later and I’m looking for work. Why is it taking longer? Is it because I am experienced and think I know what I’m looking for? Are my standards too high? Are there just less jobs available as you get higher in the working world. I was thinking about this because I wonder when I talk to people if some of them are thinking and questioning why don’t I have a job. Are they judging me? Is she even looking for a job?? Doesn’t she want a job? Maybe she should lower her standards. (I have to say that is exactly what I thought people were saying when I went to a wedding once without date except exchange “job” for “boyfriend”.).

Why haven’t I found a job yet? Not sure. Well, as I’ve said before many of the jobs I’ve applied for are still open. Thanks much to Beyond.com for sending me a personalized email suggesting I apply for a job I’ve actually already applied to twice and not heard anything. It’s summer and a good one to boot here in Seattle so I think all of the hiring managers are on their boats or on vacation or on their decks and not thinking about work. It’s not the economy except that it is in that I need to make sure I’m focusing on jobs that are up and coming, jobs of the future, and I need to make sure I’m looking in the right places.

My Dad once told me that “You can’t pick who you fall in love with, but you can pick where you are looking”. Maybe the same is true for my next ?? What do I have going for me? I have good people skills and a good personality. Hmmm, I wouldn’t go on a blind date with me either if that was all I said about myself. How about this? I have been able to make money on the Internet which shows I’m resourceful, entrepreneurial, and creative and a bit of a fan of the ridiculous. I’ve managed to live on what I’ve got which shows I’m fiscally responsible. I answer Craigslist and job listings all the time which shows I’m optimistic, resourceful and persistent.

I did want to let you all know that I have sold 5 tips on daytipper.com AND my tips were on their front page today. Go me. Besides that I met a new friend today who asked me if I would be the selling agent for the stuff she and her husband have been storing for three years in storage lockers and sell it for them online! More importantly, I did get a week to two-week project at her office which should pay well too. Not a full time job but a telemarketing campaign where coincidentally I get to be resourceful, optimistic, creative and persistent. I’ll let you know how it goes

Make it Work and other good advice

I realized the other day that I had not updated my resume to include my end date of my job to May, 2008 but instead it says I’m at that job through the present day. This was hardly intentional and speaks to my incredible attention to detail. In fact, I once applied to a job and my cover letter read “I have an incredible attention to detail. Attention to detail”. I am NOT kidding. Not surprisingly, I did not get the job.
It made me think though. Was I better off leaving my resume as is? Is having two months of no job bad for my resume? I am clearly not alone in wondering this because Google the subject and you find no less than 660,000 pages offering some sort of advice about the subject. The best advice that I did find in some of the hundreds of thousands of pages, was “make it work for you”. Isn’t that true about everything?

Time between jobs, time between relationships, time since you left school…there are so many points in your life where you can stop and realize you have “gaps” in what you have been doing. Ask people and their responses could be -- I haven’t read a new book in months. I haven’t gone out with my friends in weeks. I haven’t called my grandmother in a year. When you realize something is missing from your life, you almost immediately begin thinking “I had no idea it had been so long. I should do something to fix that.” (As a note, the words “being” and “begin” actually are the same word just the letters are changed…interesting huh?) Really though, recognizing a gap in your life gives you an opportunity to start something anew, or something completely new. How long has it been since you started something new, or took a risk? Back to “make it work for you”.

Since I’ve been out of work, I have begun writing – a lot and that was something I hadn’t done in probably 13 years! I’ve been doing this blog which has been surprisingly fun. I have also begun being more creative about earning money and I have been trying to take over the world $1 at a time with my writing currently posted at ehow.com (aiming for $1.05/day this month), associatedcontent.com, and now at daytipper.com (2 tips published at $1/each and 12 more pending). My surveys are still going but I’m really shooting for some focus groups this month as they pay good cash and I like to talk for two hours about how I feel about EddieBauer.com’s website, or how Safeway labels their salad dressings. I wish there were most social opportunities where I only had to talk to strangers for an hour and walked away with an envelope full of cash. That doesn’t sound good does it? It’s legal and clean, I promise!

The other question is, how do I want to spin this time when I meet employers. Writing is good. Researching and reading about business trends is good too. I’m also thinking that they won’t necessarily notice if I am honest about the layoff and then say “finding a job that presents as much of an opportunity for me to dive in and contribute like the opportunity you have at your company takes a good amount of looking”. I’ll work on it. But really, the few employers I have spoken with haven’t acted like it’s so awful. In fact, most of them understand.

Until then, I don’t think two months since I worked last is a deal-breaker. It has been a few weeks since I went to the beach, four days since I read my new book, and three days since I had ice cream. All of those may need more immediate attention. Good thing I have got the time.

The buck stops here - well maybe the $.85 does anyway.

There were a mass round of layoffs yesterday at Starbucks and I’m sure more at smaller companies. I wanted to wish everyone who lost their jobs all my best. It’s a weird world and it is my hope for all of them that there are great jobs for them out there when they’re ready.

So I realize that back in the day when I lost my job, I boldly said I would have a new job in six weeks. Maybe I said I would like to have a new job in six weeks. Well I don't, so there. What of it? Where does this amount of time not working leave me money-wise. I’ll tell you.

So managing with a lot less money coming in has been really interesting. I have a limit where I try to only allow myself to spend the money on lunches out or drinks with friends that I have earned through doing surveys, or my online articles. I’m up to earning about $.85/day on my online articles which is great and my goal is $1/day. Before you laugh, it’s all residuals in that it takes me no time to write them AND the money just keeps coming in. Plus I was able to repost them on a second website and am making money from there too (not enough to mention just yet though). Money-wise, I am doing pretty well and since I try to only go to lunch once a week I’m able to bank up my money from surveys all week! It’s been really empowering to move towards spending less money on things like lunches out and that kind of thing and realize that I’m able to see and keep up with family and friends and have just as much, if not more fun than before.

My friend Celeste was telling me today that when she changed jobs, she had a long period where her income was not yet at the level she was at before. The income at her new position would grow but it would take time so in that interim she learned to spend less and has kept those habits and now finds herself saving more. I’m hoping that happens for me too.

I know in the past I would consistently spend more money than I needed to. I’d say it’s likely an American thing but it’s important to admit it was a me thing. If I was bored I’d go to the drug store to buy myself hair products or lipsticks, and if I was lonely or sad or whatever I would buy clothes. (True story, I once got home from a final and my parents assumed I did badly because I bought myself a pair of shoes on the way home. Actual truth was the shoes were cute and they were a reward for doing great on the test). All of the things I would buy to pick myself up or reward myself were just things and I was spending money I should have been saving or worse, didn’t have in the first place instead of just realizing that you don't need stuff to make you feel better.

So, I just have a moratorium and can’t buy new things – except the new swimsuit and sneakers I bought myself two months ago! I am finding that if I don’t go to Walgreens or Bartell’s to aimlessly browse and spend money when I’m bored, or buy myself clothes when I’m sad and lonely that I’m actually dealing with the feelings. What a revolution in mindset, huh? It's not about denying myself stuff but really thinking about what I really want to spend money on and why. I’m saving to continue to put into my IRA for my retirement, and saving a bit of spending money for my upcoming trip, and working on keeping the spending down because not sure how long the unemployment will last and I do have health insurance to pay for. If I only buy things that I really need and not to fill an emotional need, I am finding that I want a lot less “stuff”. Plus, when I get bored, the trip to Bartell Drugs or Walgreens to poke around for an hour and buy random stuff can be replaced by just a walk around the block. New t-shirts are not going to cheer me up. Workouts do.

See so you can see that I'm replacing buying stuff when I don't need it with actual positive activities like going to the gym and going for walks. But before you ask if I've met my goal of getting in much better shape, I gotta admit that watching TV and eating ice cream also make me feel better.

Everything is a lot better when people love you and today's real title is: the only prize for finding a job is...getting to go back to work ;)

Ahhh, not long after I posted my blog today I was able to talk to quite a few people who were pretty concerned about me. I want to thank everyone for being really supportive. I know yesterday I was getting myself worked up and really sometimes even though I'm a grown up, I just want to stomp my feet and let a bit of steam come out of of my ears. It feels good and I think I've done it since I was a kid

And really, when it comes to this job search I do know it's not personal if they don't pick me. It's hardly fourth grade kickball with that mean girl Marcy K. purposely telling everyone not to pick me for the team. But to the job searchers, if it is personal and you don't like me, the heck with you and Marcy K. :)

I also wanted to add an expert's response to my thoughts about the economic slowdown's potential effect on job searches. According to my very educated sister who carries around with her a Masters Degree and a PhD (and three kids!),

my economist's reply to the [issue of an economic slowdown affecting job
prospects] is that much of the recession is structural, meaning that the
underlying nature of the economy is (and always will, but maybe a bit faster
these days) changing- so your old job won't be coming back. look for a job that
you think will be around in five years. if it will be around in five years,
they're likely hiring now, but maybe a bit slower in the summer is all...

Oh and her best comment was:

remember- the only prize for finding a job is...getting to go back to work ;)

Good night everyone. Everything, including the fun I'm having with all of this is made all the better because of you.

YEAH YEAH

Told you I'd feel better. I got a call today to schedule a job for a company i really do want to work for. Don't know about the job yet if that's what I'd be good at but I'll find out on Monday when I interview.

It will work out. I will get another job and to those of you in offices - I just took an hour long walk in the sunshine at 1 o'clock in the afternoon while drinking a pop and you all were working.

I may not have a job but I still get to rub it in once in a while.

Off to celebrate my friend's new job. Congrats to her.

RATS! RATS! RATS! RATS!

Writers note: I am posting this with a day's hindsight because I needed a bit of distance to put this all out for you to see. For those who worry about me, I am totally fine and back to myself today but I wanted to share how I felt yesterday because I am certain more people should know what job searching really feels like sometimes and how it affects you in ways you wouldn't have thought before you started. I

I had my first in person job interview yesterday morning. Actually, I interviewed with three people in a row which is quite a change from interviewing with no people ever. I was super nervous but I think it went well and I wore the suit I bought my last day at my old job. The people, well two of the three, seemed to really like me and and they said that they would be making their decision at the end of this week or early next week.

I really wasn't sure about the job but after the interviews and as the day went on I thought about it and got more excited. I told a lot of people about the interviews because I guess I wanted them to know things were going ok for me --I imagine sometimes they might worry. I went to bed thinking about the job and thinking what my commute would be like, and what opportunities there might be for me there, etc. I thought the interviews went really well so that's how my brain works. It's like after you buy a lottery ticket and you think for the next little while about what your life will be like when you win. That escapism, that fantasy is really what the lotto is about - a few minutes to a few hours of daydreaming is great.

So this morning I wanted to follow up with the people I interviewed with and wrote them each a personal email thanking them and following up with what I thought were good and probing questions to show my interest and as a chance to really put in the "I want the job" ask at the end.

When I checked my email this afternoon, I got an email back from them thanking me for my enthusiasm but letting me know they didn't think I'd be a good fit. I know they weren't making their hire decisions until the end of the week but they knew in 24 hours that I wasn't it. I really didn't know if I wanted the job but it just crushed me. I could feel tears across my cheeks and my heart sank into my stomach.

My brave face just collapsed. It wasn't not getting this job; I don't think I really would have liked it all that much. It was all of it. It's the 32 jobs I have applied for and not heard a thing. It was the explosion of that last night's reprieve from the lurking fear that this may never end and that I may never find something. It was the fact that this made me doubt myself. How can I remain positive when I have nothing externally reinforcing my decision to feel that way. There’s this line in a movie that says “it’s hard to keep momentum when it’s you that you are following” and it’s true. I hate that I am starting to really wonder if I ever was good at what I did to begin with. What even exactly is that? Does it matter? Did it happen? If I was so good, why doesn’t anyone want me? How does everyone seem to know so quickly that they don’t? I've always thought myself good and strong and successful and here I was doubting all of it and I hate this situation for making me feel that way. And it’s no consolation to know that however many other people in the country or state or city are in the same boat. In fact, to anyone who feels like offering that information to someone who has lost their job, kick rocks.

I cried at home and then was crying at Safeway when I went and bought chocolate chips to make cookies. I'm good at that.

When my husband got home he found me crying and we talked for a long time. He had been unemployed and it's amazing that his experiences were the exact same as mine. He has had friends who have gone through it to. Why doesn't anyone warn you about this?

I know I should be enjoying my time off and I am,. I know I'll look back on this summer and be happy for all of this reflective and relaxing time to connect and write and start anew. But today I just felt unemployed. I just felt like someone that no one wants and someone that has no idea what they are actually good at and what they're supposed to be doing.

I felt better after I worked out and took a walk. I know that a few months from now I'll likely be working somewhere and won't even remember feeling this way. I think that's how it goes. But I wanted to share this because if you lose your job, or know someone who does, be nice to them. Remind them that they're great once in a while because it's easy to forget. Fortunately, it passes and it is just work.

So I'll go to bed knowing tomorrow I'll be fine.

OK - there is hope!

I've been away at my parents house for a few days and did some job searching from there. I was so excited to find two jobs to apply for that I hadn't already applied for AND look really exciting. There is hope. And I know summer is a terrible time to look for work because everyone is planning vacations and it's a more laid back time at most offices so I'm excited there are a few things to get me jazzed.

I've also been having some fun thinking of ways to make a living that don't necessarily involve an office. I don't mean the lottery. I just need to think of something worth writing about. Or worth doing. Hmmm...I'll keep thinking. In the meantime I applied for both of those jobs and for one, I wrote the bravest, most aggressive cover letters ever. I basically started it with the sentence "After reading about your company and the position you have available, I cannot imagine a better person for your team than I". I wrote that. After I sent it I was nervous but why not? Clearly the "I am writing to request consideration for the position of..." isn't working.

On another note, I did find out that I am officially my nieces and nephews' favorite aunt. That trumps finding a new job to apply for. Well, it's a different contest but still is cool.

The state of economy worries me as I'm wondering if people will hold off hiring but I'll keep my fingers crossed.

Maybe there's nothing new out there?

It's Monday and I started looking for work again today as I always do. I have a pretty solid routine where from 8:30 until about 12:30 I look for work, write, and catch up on emails. So I have been searching the job boards and realized that I was applying for two jobs I already applied for months ago. Really? Those jobs are still posted? What's wrong with these people? I mean if they're not actually hiring why do they post the jobs and I've heard from a lot of people that this situation happens all the time. It's ridiculous. I understand they don't care about external people at that point but have they ever looked for a job and gotten excited about something only to find it wasn't available? Or, if I'm not the right candidate and they still haven't found what they're looking for, maybe they need to rethink it. Regardless, wishing they could have rolling rejections for these types of things. Just let me know where I stand. I have 30+ jobs I've applied for and not heard anything. Good thing I'm heading to my parents for a few days tomorrow - I need a break.

What's worse is that I have this overwhelming feeling of actual hatred for some people at my old job because as wrong as it is rationally, I blame them for me losing my job and when it seems like there's no prospects, I focus that frustration on those people. It may be unhealthy but it helps.

A new lease on it all

I was thinking yesterday about my last day at my job and I had thought back then that those days would drag on forever – not just because the weather was cold and grey either! I had no idea how much losing your job affects everything and now that I know, and have been through it, I think I have a better attitude about most everything including my next job.

My next job will likely be just a job. I mean of course I am expecting opportunity and money and something that is challenging and engaging but really I hope I don’t get as stuck believing that that job, whatever it is, is the most important thing I’ve got going on. I think that over the last few years, I had become lazy about a lot of things and over the last seven weeks I have really reconnected with myself in a way I had forgotten about. I now love spending time alone which I had completely forgotten how to do and I have fun with it. I hope I am being a better friend that I think I’ve been in the recent past. And the humility of it all, the applying for a LOT of jobs and hearing nothing, and dealing with the weird and fleeting feelings of insecurity and really working to build my sense of self-worth without a job reminded me that you have to work hard – at all of it. Keeping your friendships, being the funnest aunt to your nieces and nephews, being a positive person and all of it takes effort. Maybe that’s what we should be spending the lion’s share of our heart’s passions doing. Of course you give your work your all. It’s fun to have a job you are encouraged and challenged by where your coworkers and environment are engaging. But it’s just part of it. The friends, the family, and really most of all you is what it’s really about. You don’t get any of your time back later if you don’t spend it well. There is no rebate on life if you don’t use it wisely. It’s a privileged viewpoint I know and it comes from being indulged by the people that I love and who love me but it is how I see things now and really want to remember to see them from here on out.

It's the beginning of a new week

I was surprised yesterday to realize that I have been out of work for just about five or six weeks. I had no idea so much time had passed and reading some of the stuff that I have written here, I can only vaguely remember all of the emotional stuff that I went through in the transition. I do still at times refer to my old company as my company when talking to friends who are still there but that's just old habits dying hard.

It's fun to think of myself as a person in progress rather than as a job title. It's really fun to have so much experimentation in terms of finding new ways to make money.

The online auction market - I have sold stuff on eBay which I actually don't love because they charge a commission regardless of whether your item sells or not. But I am not sure if I could have sold the old bridesmaid's dress anywhere but there - to a man by the way. Fortunately he lives across the country so I don't fancy running into him in my dress anywhere, anytime soon. But I've made about $35 on eBay. I'm still doing well on Amazon with my books that I'm selling and the money is trickling in.

The online writing gig: eHow.com is a solid investment of my time. I really love writing these little articles and I'm up to earning about $20/month with really an investment of about 10 minutes per month so yeah me. It's worth trying. Here's the link to get yourself started. http://www.ehow.com/make-money-online.aspx?tcid=jun08_ref321

The online survey endeavor: Easily the most fun if not the most profitable. I am making about $3-$5 per day doing a survey or two. They take about fifteen minutes so the ROI is not really that good but I do them while doing other stuff like laundry or procrastinating or looking out the window so really nothing really lost there. Focus groups - $75/for an hour. The best money I've ever made. Now if I could only get about five a day I'd be set!
Great sites include: Consumer Opinions, Surveyspot.com, and Sendearnings.com

The reality is I will not get rich doing these silly things but it's fun and it's much more interesting to talk about than my old job. I really believe this. It is Tuesday morning and I've already applied to three jobs this week. Now I'm going to work on getting some informational interviews. Maybe someone who may otherwise reject my resume may be swayed by meeting me in person. I'll probably need to change out of my pyjama pants first though.

I'll keep you posted. Thanks for reading!

Dangerfield Newby (it's just a cool name). Actually the subject today is humility. And opposites. And summer weather.

There’s something to be said about humility. There are quotes and clichés abound extolling the real virtue of humility. I checked and it is not one of the seven heavenly virtues but it could be. Fortunately for me, nothing is more humbling than the job search. Oooh, except for maybe being overweight or having bad skin when you’re a little kid.

To that effect, I have added a new feature to this blog which is my job stats. I will be keeping you all up to date on how many jobs I have applied for and what has been the outcome. Plus, I will also be featuring the best rejections I have received. (Before you think I’m upset, really, this stuff is all pretty good material as far as I’m concerned these days. ) I also think though that my experience is not unique and I want to share this information so that anyone job searching knows they are not alone. Really, not alone.

Beyond that…well, I have decided that maybe I should reexamine the ways I am looking for a job as well as what I am looking for. For anyone who is a Seinfeld fan, I have been a bit proponent of following George Costanza’s decision to do the opposite of everything he has done before as a way to improve his life's circumstances. This has PROVEN successful for me in the past in other ventures and I am now going to apply this principle to my job search. Any job I would have wanted while at my old job, I am going to reconsider. Maybe, just maybe, I am wrong about what I think I should be doing.

So in the meantime, it is GORGEOUS outside with better and better weather on the horizon. For everyone in their offices today, I’m heading outside. After I apply for the new daily quota of three jobs per day. Hey, I like being unemployed but I like money more!

It's only a catapult ride away

My internet went down on Saturday and just got it back up running today. Apparently because of some problem with the “fitting”, my modem was receiving so much information without regulation that it shorted out. Kind of similar to the way I was feeling last week and why I haven’t written since then.

I’ve found that telling people you’ve been laid off is a pretty inclusive statement. Everyone is really empathetic and you’d be hard pressed to find someone who didn’t have something to offer. People either have personal experiences to share about themselves or someone they know and everyone has suggestions about how to handle it. Complete strangers even have offered up advice and I get to wondering—what is it about being laid off that is so universal that everyone has something to say. Honestly, there have been times where I feel like the workforce equivalent of a pregnant woman with people asking to touch my belly. While the prospect of strangers actually touching my stomach creeps me the heck out, everyone’s input has been pretty illuminating because I think in some level, what they are saying and sharing is also a reflection on their own feelings about their jobs, their vulnerabilities and their own dreams.

What I’m hearing:

A staggering number of people volunteer to me that they wish they were laid off. I believe most of them mean it too. It really is sort of like being catapulted out of your routine and (ugh I’m over this phrase) out of your comfort zone and forced into the open to actually find something you want to do/are qualified to do/that people want you to do. I don’t wish anyone to actually be laid off but like hearing that these people are open to something completely new. I know I’ll be ok and they make me remember that if I forget. Maybe when I find my next thing and am happy and doing really well, I can be an example to them to just take the risk themselves.

Almost everyone has a story about either themselves or they know someone who got laid off and it was the best thing that ever happened to them. I think people want to share these stories because they think I am nervous or scared. Or, maybe they’re worried about their own jobs and if they can reassure me that everything can turn out for the very best in the end, it can also reassure their own nervous hearts that if it happens to them, they’ll also be ok.

I think some people think it’s contagious. I actually had someone I know practically run away from me the other day as we they were catching me up on what was new at my old job. It doesn’t rub off. If there are going to be layoffs at your company, or more at my old work – it’s going to happen regardless of if you hang out with me or preferably buy me a beer. Truthfully, in a lot of places the organizational or environmental structure that led the company to its present state hasn’t changed and even with less people to do the same amount of work or more isn’t enough to keep it solvent. (Sidenote If you get laid off, I know a great place to play shuffleboard for $3/hour AND have found lots of places for $4 dinners, free hikes AND I know three little kids under 5 who are willing to entertain you for hours with reruns of Scooby Doo all in exchange for a few hugs!)

There are also lots of folks who have advice. I have gotten LOTS of advice, oh and lots of people telling me about jobs they themselves wouldn’t want at all but share with me. What I’ve decided--Everyone who gives you advice usually loves you and wants to help. You can’t fault them for that. In fact it’s because they care that they do this. Usually these are action-oriented people focused on next steps and they may not understand exactly what you are going through or feeling but they are trying to help you move forward.

The way I see it is, because layoffs are almost always “out of the blue” that unpredictability takes people’s feelings of control away – if you are the ones laid off or the ones who survive it. You are reminded that there are lots of other people who are able to influence and ultimately decide your fate at work (and we know that for a lot of people work is a HUGE part of their lives). If you survive the layoffs, you are left wondering "will I be next" and maybe also feeling a little bit guilty for feeling angry at the increased workload you’ll now be saddled with or also maybe as the “why me” kicks in. If you’ve been laid off you also get the “why me” as well as the “what the hell am I going to do”. In both cases, you get scared and nervous. The reason everyone has something to offer is because those feelings are pretty universal. The thing that is important to remember is that we as individuals also have the ability and right to influence and decide our own fates at work and elsewhere.

The reality is there are lots of other things we can all do for work, and would do well at, and make more friends, and maybe if we’re lucky be even happier. Yes it’s super scary out there and more layoffs as we speak are being announced. But there are still jobs, and school, and maybe a bit of summer weather if you can find it. From my own catapult ride into the great wide open – I have found a LOT of options, a lot of fear, and maybe I’m also finding I like myself a lot better now.

Maybe those people are right – it really can be the best thing that ever happened. Now if I would only win the lottery.

"I always try to be candid" and other things you don't want to hear while dating -- or interviewing.

Yesterday I did talk to that guy who had emailed me about a job. It was an interview that broke the land-speed record for rejection.

When I saw the email yesterday morning from the guy, I called him back and was ready to talk in what I imagined would be an informal chat about my background. I thought this because in the email he wrote “I would like to chat with you for a few minutes about your background”. OK it wasn’t. In fact, it was a terrible phone call.

“Hello” I answered the phone.
“Hi, this is Dennis.” That was the best part of the conversation.

He didn’t ask me questions about my background. He asked me questions about his company which I didn’t know. He asked me questions that I felt foolish and uninformed answering. He asked me questions that I knew answers to but felt that the answers I was giving were wrong. I just thought he wanted to talk about my background like he said. When he asked what I know about advertising, I told him I felt I knew quite a bit but as it was a broad industry. I asked him if he was looking for anything specific and could hear him go “hmmm, I see” and could hear him writing something—AND he never did tell me what specifically he was looking for! What do I know about advertising agencies here in Seattle? I told him the names I knew, my familiarity with them and their client load, the work I had done with them in the past and how well it had turned out. I sat there on my bed trying to fire off the answers I thought he wanted to hear. I knew it wasn’t going well, mostly because he kept going “hmmm” and scribbling loud enough for me to hear it on the phone.

Then he said “I always try to be candid with people”. I felt tears start to well up in my eyes and my face got hot and I could feel my forehead grow damp and I had no idea why this was getting to me. “I’m all about finding the best fit for you” he started in and I was like oh crap really? He then told me I was the wrong fit and wouldn’t be a good fit, and didn’t have the knowledge or background or whatever he was looking for and something vague about keeping my apparently under-impressive resume around somewhere. Then as I was thanking him for his time and that was it.

I didn’t want that job and I really don’t want to involve myself with strangers that start sentences with “I feel the need be honest” or “I always try to be candid” or my favorite “I don’t mean to upset you, but…” I have enough friends on my team and don’t need a patronizing stranger telling me he’s all about what’s best for me.

That whole thing took four minutes. I even double-checked my cell phone afterwards. Four minutes to decide I was not right. I have always thought looking for a job was like dating…I just didn’t know I had signed up for speed dating.

Ah, what can you do? I did make $8 in online surveys yesterday, sold two books on Amazon and today my auctions on eBay close tomorrow so money is good. As for a job…well, I’ll keep looking.

If it's only money...

Money – it’s a weird thing. Most people don’t like to talk about how much they earn and how much they have and we all like to daydream about how much we want. One of the big issues I am working with right now is money. I’m going to talk about it because I think it’s important to be honest with myself about where I am at because one, the money I had coming in is now stopped and with the amount of free time I have I need to find fun and affordable ways to see my friends, entertain myself, and keep myself busy.

Unemployment. First things first, anyone who thinks that someone is just “milking it” and living off unemployment has never received any. I receive the maximum allowed in my state and I will tell you that while not a paltry sum, it is hardly anything to get rich off of – or maybe even survive off of if I had children or an expensive dog. With rent or a mortgage payment, a car payment, groceries and other financial obligations unemployment does not go far at all.

I know that a lot of people forego health insurance during unemployment. I am NOT one of those people. According to the Medical Expenditure Panel Survey from 2003, the average out of pocket expenditure for an emergency room visit was $560. That’s over a week’s worth of unemployment compensation! Considering COBRA is about $200/month for me right now, it’s worth the money – here’s why. The last time I switched jobs I took COBRA from my previous employer for the three months my new job required I wait before they’d cover me. In those three months, I tripped over a pair of shoes I left on the floor of my room and then hit my head on the footboard of my bed giving me a concussion and a cut that needed stitches. Two weeks later I had a car accident which seconded the concussion. A month and a half after that I had another emergency room visit after a freak rollerblading accident (those old women were out to get me!), and finally an emergency CAT scan after my doctor feared I had done permanent damage from previously mentioned two concussions. OK I know what you are saying and unfortunately I am not kidding. I am a clumsy person and as such I recognize the need to take reasonable precautions which for me means I will buy less of anything to keep my health insurance up to date. Fortunately for me, as part of my separation from my job my employer is paying ½ the cost of the COBRA. Go them and go me!

With unemployment, I am able to continue putting in my same share of money to K's (my husband's) and my household account from which we pay our rent, groceries, car payment, cell phones, etc which because I feel a bit shaky at times about having no job (I know it's stupid and ridiculous) but meeting my obligations financially helps me feel really good about myself. I also need to worry about retirement and put some money towards that no matter how small. I sometimes hate thinking about the long run and planning for the future. Sometimes there is really something to be said for acting like the grasshopper instead of the ant – oh wait I did that most of my life already. Once I’ve done all this I have a bit of money to play with. So what do you do for fun when you have all the time in the world and fixed income (again cue retired people in my life who are living this on a daily basis and loving it).

I want to see my friends and family and enjoy the (still cloudy late spring) weather. What’s fun – happy hour is fun, seeing my friends is fun, working out is fun, going out is fun – I think though I need to focus on ways to combine the things I like to do that are free with my friends and family to “do it all” on less money. If you stay home alone and mope you’ll be lonely and unhappy and again there is enjoyment to be had in this freedom. Just need to find ways to enjoy it for under $20.

I found a great shuffleboard game at The Zoo on Eastlake, for $3/hour and $4/beer you can have a heck of a lot of fun for hours with you friends for cheap – not too shabby. Happy Hours work well too because you can meet up with friends and for $15/each or so have a few bites to eat, a good drinks and lots of catching up. I am avoiding big price tag events like shows, non-matinee movies and events like that. In general the rule is, if the price tag is over $20 then its out.

So to my friends and fam, you’ll likely be getting emails and calls from me to join the new Monday evening hiking club where we’ll do a new hike each Monday evening (it doesn’t get dark until 9:00 after all), go for walks, happy hours for those not inclined to walk/hike, and maybe a BBQ or two. I won’t be up for a trip to Vegas yet but I got an email from a recruiter this morning. The job listing was awesome and read something like “if you’re a fun, hard-working person who loves Business Development then send us your resume. If you’re not and you can still send us your resume we won’t call you.” Keep your fingers crossed – I’ll keep you posted.
Until then off to the gym – it’s free!

it's only life (lifetime TV anyway)

So I realized after receiving many thoughtful emails and calls that I have been down and wow, how it showed in my last entry here. Thank you everyone for being so thoughtful and checking in with me.

I spent the afternoon yesterday with my nieces and nephews watching eight Scooby-Doo episodes (those meddling kids!) and talking with my niece about why we don’t wear bowls on our head (they don’t stay on as well as buckets and if they fall off they may break), why I paint my toenails (to give me something to do), and why we don’t eat cookies standing on our heads (crumbs get on the floor). My nephew turned to me and told me he couldn’t hear the show and then said “I love you very much”. OK it is impossible to feel anything but completely happy after a five year old takes a break from his favorite show to tell you that. Oh and he did point out that he thought it was funny that Scooby could talk to people and to other dogs.

So even though the weather is pretty ugh here today I wanted to spend a few minutes to list some of the things I have figured out with my time off.

1) If my next big thing is waiting for me to find it, I’ll have a lot more luck if I’m looking for it rather than sitting in my old office wondering how to spend my time and researching jobs just like the one I had. I may not have ever left that job without another one lined up and I feel like now I can really just sort of throw the rules and limitations to the wind and find something absolutely amazing for myself.

2) I am working on writing more which I really enjoy and wouldn’t have re-explored had I still been sitting in said office.

3) I don’t have to sit in that awful, dungeon of an office anymore!

4) I get to watch reruns with impunity, in shorts and a t-shirt, AND my paint my toenails.

5) I find myself talking about a lot more than work with people. Wow I had forgotten there were entire worlds out there that don’t revolve around my old job.

6) I have really started to focus on my friendships more. I had no idea I took working on them for granted. Regardless I find myself reaching out to all of my friends more and trying to make time for each of them. Maybe part of talking about stuff besides work?

7) I have discovered I have seen every episode of The Golden Girls now multiple times but I have found that the types of commercials on Lifetime TV during the day are geared for people riding around in scooters, taking cholesterol medicine, having weekend face-lifts and planning on redecorating their backyards. Maybe I need to find a new network to watch…although the scooter chairs look pretty awesome.

8) Everyone wishes they had more time off. My friends who have had time off and are working caution me to make sure I don’t go back to work too soon. My retired relations – same thing. Many people wish they themselves would be laid off. So you can see with this type of positive feedback it’s hard to be too upset with it.

Now back to Lifetime TV. Blanche just bought a Mercedes and we’re waiting for the pig that Rose inherited to kick the bucket…oh if I were only making it up. I’d change the channel but my toenails are wet and I don’t want to smudge them looking for the remote.

Is it just a job after all?

I keep hearing it from people who mean well…it was just a job; a job is just what you do for money so you can buy the things you need for your life…if this is the case, why does losing your job dent your self-esteem? Just Google “Self-esteem and job loss” and you’ll find out that 287,000 websites testify to the fact that losing your job does in fact dent your armor and depending on the person, it can do worse than that..

I really had thought I was past most of the emotional reaction to losing my job. I have very little patience with my own emotions when they don’t mirror the happiness and almost aggressive optimism I pride myself on showing to the world. I’m the happy one DAMNIT! You can understand then why after losing my job weeks ago I was completely thrown by what I was feeling over the end of last week.

As soon as I realized I was going to have time off I made a decision to kick my ass in the gym and get in really good shape. I work out a lot as it is but figured I would have a lot of time and should get back into college shape – the kind of shape you are in when all you do is walk everywhere and workout hours everyday to avoid studying ( –what you didn’t do that?) But last week I found myself picking apart my physical appearance and becoming less and less happy. I really think that one of the best things about being in your thirties is you really have come to accept yourself as you are and it had felt really good. But recently and without warning I found myself rescinding that peace accord with my body and becoming unhappy. I was also worrying about other things that I had previously been secure about including some close friendships and relationships that mean the world to me.

I started to realize with the help of my husband who has been very generous in sharing his own experiences that maybe this was related to losing my job. I had always felt incredibly secure in my job and it was the one thing in my life that I had known I was good at. I know I know I have worked hard at and hopefully been a great friend and a great sister and I’m a good reader, and a decent driver --car not golf, and am fun but in terms of skills I’ve never been a superstar until my last job (I even won an award my first year called the superstar award). I know objectively it wasn’t the only thing but I was a winner there (literally! I have the clock to prove it) and regardless and without warning, that ended. And since then admittedly my attempts at finding another job have been perfunctory, but the lack of response to my applications and resumes has hardly been inspiring especially in the case of places where they called me and then when I followed up – poof nothing.

Note to HR managers out there…just send SOMETHING when people apply.
It’s like waiting for a guy you gave your number to in a bar to call and even
though he asked for it days pass and nothing. You spend more than the
minute you should spend on this wondering if you did something wrong.

And so because that one thing that I was good at and took for granted went away, I started to question the things I also took as givens in my life – the relationships I have with many of those closest to me including myself. It is amazing to me that self-esteem and self-worth are things we work our whole lives to build. So easily they are knocked aside by externalities.

Maybe seeing the link between my self-doubt about my personal life and how I felt about losing my job was the key. I started to talk about it and mentally walk myself through it and once again reasoning things out began to help the doubts and darkness dissipate and put back into perspective why I was feeling crummy about myself. In the case of how I feel about losing my job – it was JUST a job. The job is not the way my husband, or my friends and family feels about me. The job is not the way that I have always proven I can take care of myself and what’s important to me. That job and how it ended does not get to define how I feel about myself as an entire person.

Second side note -- I will also take a minute to say that whenever you are blue;
give a little kid in your life a cool toy. A hug from a little kid who
thinks you are the most fun person on Earth even for a few minutes can
really take you a long way towards feeling happy again.

Bill Murray's movies as life lessons...

The other day, the movie Groundhog Day was on. This movie starring Bill Murray and Andie MacDowell is about a guy who keeps reliving the same day over and over and over again and ends up doing all kinds of crazy things because he knows the next day everything will be the same. It’s only after he figures out that maybe he’s stuck in this craziness because he’s supposed to be learning something from the experience will be get to get past the day. I mean he learns to play piano, learns foreign languages, lets a groundhog drive a truck and actually does learn there’s a lot more available in life than he had been experiencing.
I think I’ve been in my own Groundhog Day.

Side note -- I also have realized that a lifetime of TV watching has really
helped nurture the very dramatic part of my personality. I do take a sort
of perverse pride in being able to match up nearly any real life situation with
a TV counterpart (try me…I’m 100% with this). It can be off-putting though
to someone who doesn’t watch Seinfeld or Friends when I come out with a “the
same thing happened to Ross once…” analogy.

OK back to my story, for the past several months (until the layoff notice came) most days I felt plagued by this feeling like you’re wearing a shirt that is just a bit too small – although you wiggle around you just aren’t comfortable. I had made deals with myself about why it would be good if I stayed put where I was. These were not things that really made me feel good but they made sense if I thought about them. I felt that with the economy going south that if I kept my head down I could make decent money and although I didn't feel as challenged or happy as I had in earlier times there at least it was fun to see my friends everyday. And although I don’t necessarily believe there are forces at work in my life beyond myself…it was really when I made piece with being, I guess, unhappy that everything was changed for me.

I was thinking about the survey I did the other day. What was I hoping to get out of it? Was I hoping someone would tell me with a lightning bolt that there were other things I should be doing or to give me some divine inspiration on where I am to go from here. Maybe not. My husband has been encouraging me to join a team, get some hobbies and get some things going so that my days have shape while I look for a job. I’m working on that but even in doing that I’ve found myself stalling. What am I afraid of? Maybe finally getting everything I want?

So today my goal is to remind myself of another Bill Murray movie (yes I do manage most things in my life through TV) and do a bit of baby steps (it’s a “What About Bob?” reference). Today I am researching baking classes…I’ve always wanted to do that. I’ll get to tomorrow when it gets here.

The wide open road or the great nothing?

Yesterday morning I realized something. My job is not coming back. I have no prospects and nothing on the horizon. OK it was NOT as bleak of a realization as it may sound. It was more like walking into a door or another person when you’re not paying attention. All of a sudden you’re briefly knocked to the ground…you just feel the bump, realize you didn’t see it in your way and there you are.

I know everyone else has gone through the same thing. One person told me they felt that feeling and for a short while it was like a great nothing...a shapeless horizon of possibility with no roads leading you there except for the ones you make yourself.

I have no idea what I’m doing and no end in sight. I mean I KNOW I will get another job and I really will enjoy this time off once I get used to the changing structure of my time. The retired people in my life are the best…they do this all day every day. They are the most adamant that I have fun. My sister who is employed but taking the summer off is also excited as now we can spend more time together. My friends that are stay at home Moms have a variety of responses, not the least of which is, you should have a baby so you can stay home all the time too.

Not yet.

So next steps? Figure out what I want to do I guess. Having not a clue, I took a Self Directed Job Search survey yesterday. I found it in a magazine and spend $10 to have careers for which I am well suited based on my personality type recommended to me. Here are some of the highlights.

Historic-Site Administrator
Detective Chief
Grain Elevator Superintendent
Guide, Travel
Sales Agent, Insurance
Social Director
Barber
Stage Manager
Station Manager (Railroad)
Yard
Manager (Railroad Transportation)
Demonstrator
Guide, Sightseeing
Host/Hostess, Head
Process Server
Shopping
Investigator
Telephone Solicitor
Bodyguard
School-Crossing Guard

I would like my $10 and 20 minutes back please. But while some of these jobs were very specific, and some funny (I don't run fast enough to be a process server) it did show me that I have no realy idea of all of the things available to me. A few months ago I wanted one thing...what I had plus a little bit more. Then I wanted what I had but in another industry. Now, I'm not sure I want to limit myself to that. How many chances to we get to really step back and reinvent ourselves?

Speaking of reinvention...I need to get moving so I can make that cardio class at the gym. If I'm going to be a process server or a bodyguard...I'll need to work on my fitness.

If only more stuff came knocking on your door

And now it’s back to reality – or my new reality anyways.I’ll tell you that on Thursday I was positive that I never wanted to work again. It was sunny. I played RedLight/GreenLight with my four year old nephew, went for two long walks on the waterfront and wondered why people with million dollar condos do not in fact sit on their decks on nice days and then went to a baseball game. All in all not too shabby.

And with the dawn of this workweek, the reality sets in that someone who is NOT me won Mega Millions too meaning my $197,000,000 dream will have to wait and that this “vacation” is a working one as in I need to find what I’m going to be working on next.
Everyone has given me advice on how to do this unemployment thing. Some of the best sounding advice has been to set up a schedule and structure your time and plan out your day so that you aren’t just lying around the house by yourself. This is a potentially lonely time especially for someone like me so used to seeing friends all day at work. I’m scheduling time for extra workouts, dedicated time each day for job searching and prospecting, and started setting up plans to see friends. I’m also structure going to look for a class or two to meet some people (you never know when one of them may leave me something in their will…or may know of a job that is perfect for me).

Over the weekend, I talked to someone who has been unemployed for quite a while and it kind of seems that he hopes everyone would just call him because they should be seeking him out. Reminds me of when my old roommate and I were laying around in flannel pants and sweatshirts, eating chips and watching Bridget Jones’ Diary for the fifteenth millionth time and wondering why we didn’t have dates. We did finally realize…they aren’t going to come looking for us. I have heard of it happening but door to door magazine salesmen, missionaries and people coming to my house because they wrote down their friends’ addresses wrong are not necessarily interested in sweeping you off your feet (especially when you are wearing said flannel pants and have Doritos crumbs in your hair).

So this morning I went to a recruiters’ office for a preliminary interview. It can’t hurt to get one more person to know about you and advocate on your behalf. I mean I’m not in an all fired hurry to start working tomorrow but if I am going to start working, ever, I need to be the one to go out and get it because it’s not going to just come to your door.
I mean you even have to leave the house to get lottery tickets.

I proclaim this "The Summer of George"

When I was coming home last night from celebrating my last day (again!) I felt this dread about going home. Out with my friends I was celebrating, at home I was just unemployed. I know it was a dumb feeling so I just went to bed.

This morning I woke up and you know what...I felt fantastic. Absolutely fantastic. I thought I would feel weird or bad or depressed. Not at all. I feel like I did about ten years ago after a relationship ended. He was a great guy, and we had a fine relationship but it wasn't going to go anywhere and I really felt finally that I needed to be on my own to get to the next phase of my life. So after we did finally break up I felt light, full of possibilities, and like then, I am reconnecting with a part of me I haven't felt in a while. I've always been happy but now I have been given permission to reinvent myself. I have no idea of what that will look like and today I'm not worrying about it. I got to thinking about Seinfeld and the Summer of George where George gets a severance package from the Yankees.

George: Severance package...The Yankees are giving me three months full pay
for doing nothing.

Jerry: They did it for three years. What's another few
months.

George: I'm really going to do something with these three months.

Jerry: Like what?

George: I'm gonna read a book. From beginning to end. In that order. ...I'm
gonna play...frisbee golf ...This is gonna be my time. Time to taste the fruits
and let the juices drip down my chin. I proclaim this: The Summer of George!

And so it begins...I already read books front to back and am actually decent at frisbee golf but for the next few days, I am going to just enjoy this. On my own terms.

The buggy whip that got me thinking...

I woke up really early today and its fantastic the number of things that run through your head when really just want to go back to sleep.

I’m leaving here and when I meet people they’ll say “what do you do” or “where do you work” and I need a real answer that isn’t sad because getting laid off elicits a weird response in people and oddly enough most always bring up the one other person they know that lost their job. It’s like when you go to a foreign country and tell someone you’re from the US and they’re like “I have a friend Bob from Chicago…do you know him?”. My favorite was the kid I met
in Scotland years ago who asked me if I knew LL Cool J because I lived in LA at the time. That was awesome.

When I talk about losing a job, I hear comments all the time like “oh that’s too bad. I’ve heard its way easier to get a job when you have a job”. For the record, anyone that says that to me is now being put in the same bubble as people that when I’m talking about rising gas prices say “Oh in Europe, they’ve been paying eight dollars a gallon for years so really we’re lucky”. First of all…am I Spanish? Do I look like I’m in Europe? I don’t care – I live here and if I want to be upset about gas prices I can and if I don’t already have a job does that mean I won’t find one—I know they mean well but they can go kick rocks.

Also, why does so much of your self-esteem gets wrapped up in what you do. What do you do? It’s no wonder. It’s the first question people ask when they meet you. It’s one of the first questions people ask when you start dating someone new. Why does what we do for a living matter so much? I am hoping my winning personality and good hair gets me by for a while since my response to those questions is likely going to be “well I’m waiting to hear back from Publishers Clearinghouse because apparently I’m really close to winning the grand prize and I want to make sure I’m home”.

What if I’m not good at something else? I’ve never really been great at anything but here I was a winner. Remember the clock I won? Well that’s a sore subject but I have had a great run here. What if I’m not so lucky in my next job. I’ll bring my clock in to my new job just in case.

I’ve always thought that you need a pretty solid foundation in your life where everything in your life is well-developed and important—your work, your friends and family, your outside of work commitments and activities. That way, should one of those pillars collapse, you’ve still got the rest to balance yourself on so you don’t completely fall apart. And really, losing my job is hardly falling off a bridge and I know I’ll be ok. I was told this industry was going the way of the buggy whip. Maybe getting smacked with that whip was what I needed to go out and see what else is out there and if there are other clocks to be won.

The Times they are a-ending

Bye and bye, The Times they are a-ending and with that...and my impending last day--I can hear the collective finally from all of you who have been with me from T-day oh so long ago (April 7). With the end in sight, I've started working on the things to get me set for life after this job...mostly, my next job. But also, what I am going to do in the meantime.

I am REALLY excited because the weather is supposed to be fantastic beginning, ironically enough, Wednesday afternoon. I see a cool drink and my roofdeck in my future. Oh and a baseball game, and some hiking, and some reading, and oh yeah finding a job.

I have posted my resume online. The first 5 days after posting it I felt like the hottest new girl in town...I was beating recruiters off with a stick. The thing is the jobs they were calling about. And I'm still scratching my head over the call I got from a woman who said they found my resume online and were very interested in me for something and then said they would review my resume and if they liked it, they would call me...what? Why did they call me at all? Whatever.

And I have filed for Unemployment. I would like to point out that in my family they may have beaten me at buying a home, getting married, having kids, earning doctorates, becoming doctors...but I am the first to file for Unemployment. We've all paid into it and frankly, I've earned it. I am hoping to find my next big thing within six weeks so keep your fingers crossed.

So hitting the ground running on getting in shape (feel like having nothing else going on is a great reason), and approaching the job hunt like a job itself --more on that in the coming days. Coming tomorrow...my office will. Now who do I give my prized possessions to??

There's life after here

After exactly a month of all of this...today was the day.

It was the day when you run into your ex and realize that you don't hate him anymore or love him anymore and really just don't have anything for him anymore . You may even be one of those people that wants to stay friends.

I went to a mandatory meeting today where the company gave a presentation to share with everyone what has happened, what are the results and where they are going from here. It was a very unique opportunity for me because as someone who is part of "what happened" I could view "where they are going from here" with an objectivity that I didn't have before. I don't want to be part of it but I wish them all the best.

Yep, it's time to move on.

here comes unemployment

Today...

Today I just feel kind of blue.

I am actually kind of sick of the whole thing actually but what's frustrating is that I feel like I'm still deep in the middle of this whole ending. I keep hearing about the stages of dealing with change and have figured out that the progress is not linear.

I still at times feel like I am in denial. I must be because I'm not looking for a new job every second of every day. I haven't looked enough because I don't have one but at the same time I am a little excited about the prospect of a few weeks off.

I am no longer angry. Honestly, I'm not. I'm just kind of over that.

I'm sad so maybe that's grief? What am I sad about? It's not the job. Honestly it's not that...really, it's my friends...it's my life. My workplace has been such an important part of my life for a long time now. I always have someone to talk to, someone to joke with...there's always someone within 100 yards to play with if I'm bored or want to complain or gossip. We share so much because we're there together. I have best friends in two states and two countries and we are all as close as we ever were despite the lack of proximity. So you'd think I'd realize the odds are in my favor that by moving to another job nothing should change, and I'll be able to keep my friends. I just have gotten so comfortable and so happy with everything.

It's really a moot point. it's done. I don't have a job left. Oh and to that person who on Friday lectured me because my department had somehow inconvenienced them...trust me, you won't be getting any calls from our clients anymore. Back to what I was thinking...it is over. I think of all of the emotions I am really just annoyed and irritated with myself for letting this dominate my life for the past weeks. But like I said, I'm kind of in the middle of the ending for a little bit longer. Fortunately tomorrow it's Cinco de Mayo tomorrow. A well-timed margarita and maybe a mariachi band makes everything better.

Do You Know What Time It Is?

Do you know what time it is?

Not sure if you have heard about the show but Flava Flav had this reality show where he was trying to choose a girlfriend from 20+ girls that were competing for his love. OK ewwww by the way. Anyway, each week they would have a ceremony where they would all get together and he would go through the girls and as he asked each of them to stay he would say "Do you know what time it is?" or something like that and give them a big old ugly clock. If you didn't get a clock, you'd know your time was up.

Well welcome to Bizarro Flavor of Love here at my work. I was reminded this morning as I walked into work that last year I won a very prestigous award here at my work. The entire department got together and one by one each of the winners was called up and given an award which included a great lunch, a gift certificate to a fancy restaurant, and an engraved clock.

Just the other day I ran into a freind who himself was all dressed up for photos because he had won a very prestigious award here in his department. He did not get a clock. He did not get laid off. Another friend, another award...no clock, no layoff.

Maybe it's the clock? If they offer you a clock run away. I think I know what time it is :)

The Princess Bride goes out into the working world

The question of the day on everyone’s lips seems to be – do you have a plan from where you go here?

The answer is an unequivocal, not sure.

I do know the role I want to play in a company –strategic marketing & business development. But what industry do I go to work for as I have made a decision that it’s time to move on from this one. I have not strayed from this industry for years and have really started to realize that the working world around me is a much bigger place than the small place I have been living in. From What Color Is My Parachute I was reminded that you can have a fulfilling job doing what you love in a variety of industries some of which are likely doing better than the one I’ve been in. When it comes to my next job and my next company and industry…I do have one key criteria that I am digging in my heels for –I want to be on a winning team.

I want to be a Yankee, a Jayhawk, a Wildcat, a member of a team that is known for being a powerhouse and that greets each year with enthusiasm for “where are we taking this from here!” Not every new year is greeted an Eeyore-like delivery of “how bad do you think things will get this year” punctuated with a biblical retelling of the challenges we face and the requisite how lucky we are to have jobs since people in our industry are losing jobs left and right. Ha!…well now they won’t say that to me anymore (Good! I always hated those emails).

I had thought the world was like this everywhere. I did because you immerse yourself in something and you work as hard as you can and love it and forget that there are other things, other companies, other challenges to meet and problems to solve and relationships to forge. It’s hard to keep perspective when you are trying to stay relevant to your company and as soon as you are cut loose, the working world shows a lot of possibility.

I can work hard doing this somewhere else and maybe find the rumored to exist 401K matching, educational credits, raises…and not be made to feel like Wesley from “The Princess Bride” whose captor The Dread Pirate Roberts would end each day with a “Great job today Wesley but I’ll most likely kill you in the morning”.

Sometimes you just gotta get it out in the open

I went to the dermatologist today because I have this weird spot on my shin that hasn’t gone away for like six weeks. When I say spot I mean it’s an actual red and pink spot that just showed up there one day and because I ignored it for a long while it got bigger and just finally demanded I go see a doctor. My doctor’s initial response was “eeww gross” and then she prescribed this cream for it. (Oh and I’ll also mention this is the same doctor who when I asked her about better ways to lose weight grabbed her prescription pad and wrote me a prescription for “more exercise, less food”—funny woman, not so helpful.)

Anyway so the dermatologist was completely unfazed and decided that the spot was going to take a few months to get better because the spot should be getting better but that it was “irritated”. Irritated? Worse yet, I’d been covering the spot everyday with Band-aids and they were actually making it worse. Trying to cover it up so no one would see it by applying and ripping off a Band-aid daily is apparently not that good for you. Some things you just have to expose gross things to the world and let them heal on their own.

I kind of feel that way about this place. Every day I come in here and have been working even harder than I usually do before I go on vacation to get things buttoned up, locked down, filed away, etc. I have worked diligently at maintaining a positive attitude which actually isn’t usually that hard for me and if I am annoyed or mad, I can usually thinly veil sarcasm to sound genuine which makes me feel better in a passive aggressive kind of way. I have permanently altered my vision for the worse creating a four page, 300 line, 30 column spreadsheet for our yearly audit. I have forced my team to put together training manuals and spreadsheets of their own projects and contacts so that whomever takes over our projects has some direction. We are consolidating all of our information into one computer folder and one three drawer filing cabinet and honestly it doesn’t seem like anyone really cares. So everyday we muster up our enthusiasm for this and everyday we rip the Band-aid off again when we realize that likely all of our work isn’t going to matter because there just won’t be the bandwidth here to give attention to our projects once we’re gone anyway. We’re lame ducks and everyone knows it. But until we’re all actually gone, nothing is going to change.

I’m here at least another week and a half. And while as much as I love indulging my analogies, the truth is I dig getting the chance to earn a bit more money, accrue a few hours more vacation and even if no one will look at all we’ve done—I love this place and what I’ve done here and really although it’s making me more bitter than I’d like, I want to make sure everything I can do is done. Besides I’m finding some of this anger to be good material.