Bill Murray's movies as life lessons...

The other day, the movie Groundhog Day was on. This movie starring Bill Murray and Andie MacDowell is about a guy who keeps reliving the same day over and over and over again and ends up doing all kinds of crazy things because he knows the next day everything will be the same. It’s only after he figures out that maybe he’s stuck in this craziness because he’s supposed to be learning something from the experience will be get to get past the day. I mean he learns to play piano, learns foreign languages, lets a groundhog drive a truck and actually does learn there’s a lot more available in life than he had been experiencing.
I think I’ve been in my own Groundhog Day.

Side note -- I also have realized that a lifetime of TV watching has really
helped nurture the very dramatic part of my personality. I do take a sort
of perverse pride in being able to match up nearly any real life situation with
a TV counterpart (try me…I’m 100% with this). It can be off-putting though
to someone who doesn’t watch Seinfeld or Friends when I come out with a “the
same thing happened to Ross once…” analogy.

OK back to my story, for the past several months (until the layoff notice came) most days I felt plagued by this feeling like you’re wearing a shirt that is just a bit too small – although you wiggle around you just aren’t comfortable. I had made deals with myself about why it would be good if I stayed put where I was. These were not things that really made me feel good but they made sense if I thought about them. I felt that with the economy going south that if I kept my head down I could make decent money and although I didn't feel as challenged or happy as I had in earlier times there at least it was fun to see my friends everyday. And although I don’t necessarily believe there are forces at work in my life beyond myself…it was really when I made piece with being, I guess, unhappy that everything was changed for me.

I was thinking about the survey I did the other day. What was I hoping to get out of it? Was I hoping someone would tell me with a lightning bolt that there were other things I should be doing or to give me some divine inspiration on where I am to go from here. Maybe not. My husband has been encouraging me to join a team, get some hobbies and get some things going so that my days have shape while I look for a job. I’m working on that but even in doing that I’ve found myself stalling. What am I afraid of? Maybe finally getting everything I want?

So today my goal is to remind myself of another Bill Murray movie (yes I do manage most things in my life through TV) and do a bit of baby steps (it’s a “What About Bob?” reference). Today I am researching baking classes…I’ve always wanted to do that. I’ll get to tomorrow when it gets here.

The wide open road or the great nothing?

Yesterday morning I realized something. My job is not coming back. I have no prospects and nothing on the horizon. OK it was NOT as bleak of a realization as it may sound. It was more like walking into a door or another person when you’re not paying attention. All of a sudden you’re briefly knocked to the ground…you just feel the bump, realize you didn’t see it in your way and there you are.

I know everyone else has gone through the same thing. One person told me they felt that feeling and for a short while it was like a great nothing...a shapeless horizon of possibility with no roads leading you there except for the ones you make yourself.

I have no idea what I’m doing and no end in sight. I mean I KNOW I will get another job and I really will enjoy this time off once I get used to the changing structure of my time. The retired people in my life are the best…they do this all day every day. They are the most adamant that I have fun. My sister who is employed but taking the summer off is also excited as now we can spend more time together. My friends that are stay at home Moms have a variety of responses, not the least of which is, you should have a baby so you can stay home all the time too.

Not yet.

So next steps? Figure out what I want to do I guess. Having not a clue, I took a Self Directed Job Search survey yesterday. I found it in a magazine and spend $10 to have careers for which I am well suited based on my personality type recommended to me. Here are some of the highlights.

Historic-Site Administrator
Detective Chief
Grain Elevator Superintendent
Guide, Travel
Sales Agent, Insurance
Social Director
Barber
Stage Manager
Station Manager (Railroad)
Yard
Manager (Railroad Transportation)
Demonstrator
Guide, Sightseeing
Host/Hostess, Head
Process Server
Shopping
Investigator
Telephone Solicitor
Bodyguard
School-Crossing Guard

I would like my $10 and 20 minutes back please. But while some of these jobs were very specific, and some funny (I don't run fast enough to be a process server) it did show me that I have no realy idea of all of the things available to me. A few months ago I wanted one thing...what I had plus a little bit more. Then I wanted what I had but in another industry. Now, I'm not sure I want to limit myself to that. How many chances to we get to really step back and reinvent ourselves?

Speaking of reinvention...I need to get moving so I can make that cardio class at the gym. If I'm going to be a process server or a bodyguard...I'll need to work on my fitness.

If only more stuff came knocking on your door

And now it’s back to reality – or my new reality anyways.I’ll tell you that on Thursday I was positive that I never wanted to work again. It was sunny. I played RedLight/GreenLight with my four year old nephew, went for two long walks on the waterfront and wondered why people with million dollar condos do not in fact sit on their decks on nice days and then went to a baseball game. All in all not too shabby.

And with the dawn of this workweek, the reality sets in that someone who is NOT me won Mega Millions too meaning my $197,000,000 dream will have to wait and that this “vacation” is a working one as in I need to find what I’m going to be working on next.
Everyone has given me advice on how to do this unemployment thing. Some of the best sounding advice has been to set up a schedule and structure your time and plan out your day so that you aren’t just lying around the house by yourself. This is a potentially lonely time especially for someone like me so used to seeing friends all day at work. I’m scheduling time for extra workouts, dedicated time each day for job searching and prospecting, and started setting up plans to see friends. I’m also structure going to look for a class or two to meet some people (you never know when one of them may leave me something in their will…or may know of a job that is perfect for me).

Over the weekend, I talked to someone who has been unemployed for quite a while and it kind of seems that he hopes everyone would just call him because they should be seeking him out. Reminds me of when my old roommate and I were laying around in flannel pants and sweatshirts, eating chips and watching Bridget Jones’ Diary for the fifteenth millionth time and wondering why we didn’t have dates. We did finally realize…they aren’t going to come looking for us. I have heard of it happening but door to door magazine salesmen, missionaries and people coming to my house because they wrote down their friends’ addresses wrong are not necessarily interested in sweeping you off your feet (especially when you are wearing said flannel pants and have Doritos crumbs in your hair).

So this morning I went to a recruiters’ office for a preliminary interview. It can’t hurt to get one more person to know about you and advocate on your behalf. I mean I’m not in an all fired hurry to start working tomorrow but if I am going to start working, ever, I need to be the one to go out and get it because it’s not going to just come to your door.
I mean you even have to leave the house to get lottery tickets.

I proclaim this "The Summer of George"

When I was coming home last night from celebrating my last day (again!) I felt this dread about going home. Out with my friends I was celebrating, at home I was just unemployed. I know it was a dumb feeling so I just went to bed.

This morning I woke up and you know what...I felt fantastic. Absolutely fantastic. I thought I would feel weird or bad or depressed. Not at all. I feel like I did about ten years ago after a relationship ended. He was a great guy, and we had a fine relationship but it wasn't going to go anywhere and I really felt finally that I needed to be on my own to get to the next phase of my life. So after we did finally break up I felt light, full of possibilities, and like then, I am reconnecting with a part of me I haven't felt in a while. I've always been happy but now I have been given permission to reinvent myself. I have no idea of what that will look like and today I'm not worrying about it. I got to thinking about Seinfeld and the Summer of George where George gets a severance package from the Yankees.

George: Severance package...The Yankees are giving me three months full pay
for doing nothing.

Jerry: They did it for three years. What's another few
months.

George: I'm really going to do something with these three months.

Jerry: Like what?

George: I'm gonna read a book. From beginning to end. In that order. ...I'm
gonna play...frisbee golf ...This is gonna be my time. Time to taste the fruits
and let the juices drip down my chin. I proclaim this: The Summer of George!

And so it begins...I already read books front to back and am actually decent at frisbee golf but for the next few days, I am going to just enjoy this. On my own terms.

The buggy whip that got me thinking...

I woke up really early today and its fantastic the number of things that run through your head when really just want to go back to sleep.

I’m leaving here and when I meet people they’ll say “what do you do” or “where do you work” and I need a real answer that isn’t sad because getting laid off elicits a weird response in people and oddly enough most always bring up the one other person they know that lost their job. It’s like when you go to a foreign country and tell someone you’re from the US and they’re like “I have a friend Bob from Chicago…do you know him?”. My favorite was the kid I met
in Scotland years ago who asked me if I knew LL Cool J because I lived in LA at the time. That was awesome.

When I talk about losing a job, I hear comments all the time like “oh that’s too bad. I’ve heard its way easier to get a job when you have a job”. For the record, anyone that says that to me is now being put in the same bubble as people that when I’m talking about rising gas prices say “Oh in Europe, they’ve been paying eight dollars a gallon for years so really we’re lucky”. First of all…am I Spanish? Do I look like I’m in Europe? I don’t care – I live here and if I want to be upset about gas prices I can and if I don’t already have a job does that mean I won’t find one—I know they mean well but they can go kick rocks.

Also, why does so much of your self-esteem gets wrapped up in what you do. What do you do? It’s no wonder. It’s the first question people ask when they meet you. It’s one of the first questions people ask when you start dating someone new. Why does what we do for a living matter so much? I am hoping my winning personality and good hair gets me by for a while since my response to those questions is likely going to be “well I’m waiting to hear back from Publishers Clearinghouse because apparently I’m really close to winning the grand prize and I want to make sure I’m home”.

What if I’m not good at something else? I’ve never really been great at anything but here I was a winner. Remember the clock I won? Well that’s a sore subject but I have had a great run here. What if I’m not so lucky in my next job. I’ll bring my clock in to my new job just in case.

I’ve always thought that you need a pretty solid foundation in your life where everything in your life is well-developed and important—your work, your friends and family, your outside of work commitments and activities. That way, should one of those pillars collapse, you’ve still got the rest to balance yourself on so you don’t completely fall apart. And really, losing my job is hardly falling off a bridge and I know I’ll be ok. I was told this industry was going the way of the buggy whip. Maybe getting smacked with that whip was what I needed to go out and see what else is out there and if there are other clocks to be won.

The Times they are a-ending

Bye and bye, The Times they are a-ending and with that...and my impending last day--I can hear the collective finally from all of you who have been with me from T-day oh so long ago (April 7). With the end in sight, I've started working on the things to get me set for life after this job...mostly, my next job. But also, what I am going to do in the meantime.

I am REALLY excited because the weather is supposed to be fantastic beginning, ironically enough, Wednesday afternoon. I see a cool drink and my roofdeck in my future. Oh and a baseball game, and some hiking, and some reading, and oh yeah finding a job.

I have posted my resume online. The first 5 days after posting it I felt like the hottest new girl in town...I was beating recruiters off with a stick. The thing is the jobs they were calling about. And I'm still scratching my head over the call I got from a woman who said they found my resume online and were very interested in me for something and then said they would review my resume and if they liked it, they would call me...what? Why did they call me at all? Whatever.

And I have filed for Unemployment. I would like to point out that in my family they may have beaten me at buying a home, getting married, having kids, earning doctorates, becoming doctors...but I am the first to file for Unemployment. We've all paid into it and frankly, I've earned it. I am hoping to find my next big thing within six weeks so keep your fingers crossed.

So hitting the ground running on getting in shape (feel like having nothing else going on is a great reason), and approaching the job hunt like a job itself --more on that in the coming days. Coming tomorrow...my office will. Now who do I give my prized possessions to??

There's life after here

After exactly a month of all of this...today was the day.

It was the day when you run into your ex and realize that you don't hate him anymore or love him anymore and really just don't have anything for him anymore . You may even be one of those people that wants to stay friends.

I went to a mandatory meeting today where the company gave a presentation to share with everyone what has happened, what are the results and where they are going from here. It was a very unique opportunity for me because as someone who is part of "what happened" I could view "where they are going from here" with an objectivity that I didn't have before. I don't want to be part of it but I wish them all the best.

Yep, it's time to move on.

here comes unemployment

Today...

Today I just feel kind of blue.

I am actually kind of sick of the whole thing actually but what's frustrating is that I feel like I'm still deep in the middle of this whole ending. I keep hearing about the stages of dealing with change and have figured out that the progress is not linear.

I still at times feel like I am in denial. I must be because I'm not looking for a new job every second of every day. I haven't looked enough because I don't have one but at the same time I am a little excited about the prospect of a few weeks off.

I am no longer angry. Honestly, I'm not. I'm just kind of over that.

I'm sad so maybe that's grief? What am I sad about? It's not the job. Honestly it's not that...really, it's my friends...it's my life. My workplace has been such an important part of my life for a long time now. I always have someone to talk to, someone to joke with...there's always someone within 100 yards to play with if I'm bored or want to complain or gossip. We share so much because we're there together. I have best friends in two states and two countries and we are all as close as we ever were despite the lack of proximity. So you'd think I'd realize the odds are in my favor that by moving to another job nothing should change, and I'll be able to keep my friends. I just have gotten so comfortable and so happy with everything.

It's really a moot point. it's done. I don't have a job left. Oh and to that person who on Friday lectured me because my department had somehow inconvenienced them...trust me, you won't be getting any calls from our clients anymore. Back to what I was thinking...it is over. I think of all of the emotions I am really just annoyed and irritated with myself for letting this dominate my life for the past weeks. But like I said, I'm kind of in the middle of the ending for a little bit longer. Fortunately tomorrow it's Cinco de Mayo tomorrow. A well-timed margarita and maybe a mariachi band makes everything better.

Do You Know What Time It Is?

Do you know what time it is?

Not sure if you have heard about the show but Flava Flav had this reality show where he was trying to choose a girlfriend from 20+ girls that were competing for his love. OK ewwww by the way. Anyway, each week they would have a ceremony where they would all get together and he would go through the girls and as he asked each of them to stay he would say "Do you know what time it is?" or something like that and give them a big old ugly clock. If you didn't get a clock, you'd know your time was up.

Well welcome to Bizarro Flavor of Love here at my work. I was reminded this morning as I walked into work that last year I won a very prestigous award here at my work. The entire department got together and one by one each of the winners was called up and given an award which included a great lunch, a gift certificate to a fancy restaurant, and an engraved clock.

Just the other day I ran into a freind who himself was all dressed up for photos because he had won a very prestigious award here in his department. He did not get a clock. He did not get laid off. Another friend, another award...no clock, no layoff.

Maybe it's the clock? If they offer you a clock run away. I think I know what time it is :)