The buck stops here - well maybe the $.85 does anyway.

There were a mass round of layoffs yesterday at Starbucks and I’m sure more at smaller companies. I wanted to wish everyone who lost their jobs all my best. It’s a weird world and it is my hope for all of them that there are great jobs for them out there when they’re ready.

So I realize that back in the day when I lost my job, I boldly said I would have a new job in six weeks. Maybe I said I would like to have a new job in six weeks. Well I don't, so there. What of it? Where does this amount of time not working leave me money-wise. I’ll tell you.

So managing with a lot less money coming in has been really interesting. I have a limit where I try to only allow myself to spend the money on lunches out or drinks with friends that I have earned through doing surveys, or my online articles. I’m up to earning about $.85/day on my online articles which is great and my goal is $1/day. Before you laugh, it’s all residuals in that it takes me no time to write them AND the money just keeps coming in. Plus I was able to repost them on a second website and am making money from there too (not enough to mention just yet though). Money-wise, I am doing pretty well and since I try to only go to lunch once a week I’m able to bank up my money from surveys all week! It’s been really empowering to move towards spending less money on things like lunches out and that kind of thing and realize that I’m able to see and keep up with family and friends and have just as much, if not more fun than before.

My friend Celeste was telling me today that when she changed jobs, she had a long period where her income was not yet at the level she was at before. The income at her new position would grow but it would take time so in that interim she learned to spend less and has kept those habits and now finds herself saving more. I’m hoping that happens for me too.

I know in the past I would consistently spend more money than I needed to. I’d say it’s likely an American thing but it’s important to admit it was a me thing. If I was bored I’d go to the drug store to buy myself hair products or lipsticks, and if I was lonely or sad or whatever I would buy clothes. (True story, I once got home from a final and my parents assumed I did badly because I bought myself a pair of shoes on the way home. Actual truth was the shoes were cute and they were a reward for doing great on the test). All of the things I would buy to pick myself up or reward myself were just things and I was spending money I should have been saving or worse, didn’t have in the first place instead of just realizing that you don't need stuff to make you feel better.

So, I just have a moratorium and can’t buy new things – except the new swimsuit and sneakers I bought myself two months ago! I am finding that if I don’t go to Walgreens or Bartell’s to aimlessly browse and spend money when I’m bored, or buy myself clothes when I’m sad and lonely that I’m actually dealing with the feelings. What a revolution in mindset, huh? It's not about denying myself stuff but really thinking about what I really want to spend money on and why. I’m saving to continue to put into my IRA for my retirement, and saving a bit of spending money for my upcoming trip, and working on keeping the spending down because not sure how long the unemployment will last and I do have health insurance to pay for. If I only buy things that I really need and not to fill an emotional need, I am finding that I want a lot less “stuff”. Plus, when I get bored, the trip to Bartell Drugs or Walgreens to poke around for an hour and buy random stuff can be replaced by just a walk around the block. New t-shirts are not going to cheer me up. Workouts do.

See so you can see that I'm replacing buying stuff when I don't need it with actual positive activities like going to the gym and going for walks. But before you ask if I've met my goal of getting in much better shape, I gotta admit that watching TV and eating ice cream also make me feel better.

Everything is a lot better when people love you and today's real title is: the only prize for finding a job is...getting to go back to work ;)

Ahhh, not long after I posted my blog today I was able to talk to quite a few people who were pretty concerned about me. I want to thank everyone for being really supportive. I know yesterday I was getting myself worked up and really sometimes even though I'm a grown up, I just want to stomp my feet and let a bit of steam come out of of my ears. It feels good and I think I've done it since I was a kid

And really, when it comes to this job search I do know it's not personal if they don't pick me. It's hardly fourth grade kickball with that mean girl Marcy K. purposely telling everyone not to pick me for the team. But to the job searchers, if it is personal and you don't like me, the heck with you and Marcy K. :)

I also wanted to add an expert's response to my thoughts about the economic slowdown's potential effect on job searches. According to my very educated sister who carries around with her a Masters Degree and a PhD (and three kids!),

my economist's reply to the [issue of an economic slowdown affecting job
prospects] is that much of the recession is structural, meaning that the
underlying nature of the economy is (and always will, but maybe a bit faster
these days) changing- so your old job won't be coming back. look for a job that
you think will be around in five years. if it will be around in five years,
they're likely hiring now, but maybe a bit slower in the summer is all...

Oh and her best comment was:

remember- the only prize for finding a job is...getting to go back to work ;)

Good night everyone. Everything, including the fun I'm having with all of this is made all the better because of you.

YEAH YEAH

Told you I'd feel better. I got a call today to schedule a job for a company i really do want to work for. Don't know about the job yet if that's what I'd be good at but I'll find out on Monday when I interview.

It will work out. I will get another job and to those of you in offices - I just took an hour long walk in the sunshine at 1 o'clock in the afternoon while drinking a pop and you all were working.

I may not have a job but I still get to rub it in once in a while.

Off to celebrate my friend's new job. Congrats to her.

RATS! RATS! RATS! RATS!

Writers note: I am posting this with a day's hindsight because I needed a bit of distance to put this all out for you to see. For those who worry about me, I am totally fine and back to myself today but I wanted to share how I felt yesterday because I am certain more people should know what job searching really feels like sometimes and how it affects you in ways you wouldn't have thought before you started. I

I had my first in person job interview yesterday morning. Actually, I interviewed with three people in a row which is quite a change from interviewing with no people ever. I was super nervous but I think it went well and I wore the suit I bought my last day at my old job. The people, well two of the three, seemed to really like me and and they said that they would be making their decision at the end of this week or early next week.

I really wasn't sure about the job but after the interviews and as the day went on I thought about it and got more excited. I told a lot of people about the interviews because I guess I wanted them to know things were going ok for me --I imagine sometimes they might worry. I went to bed thinking about the job and thinking what my commute would be like, and what opportunities there might be for me there, etc. I thought the interviews went really well so that's how my brain works. It's like after you buy a lottery ticket and you think for the next little while about what your life will be like when you win. That escapism, that fantasy is really what the lotto is about - a few minutes to a few hours of daydreaming is great.

So this morning I wanted to follow up with the people I interviewed with and wrote them each a personal email thanking them and following up with what I thought were good and probing questions to show my interest and as a chance to really put in the "I want the job" ask at the end.

When I checked my email this afternoon, I got an email back from them thanking me for my enthusiasm but letting me know they didn't think I'd be a good fit. I know they weren't making their hire decisions until the end of the week but they knew in 24 hours that I wasn't it. I really didn't know if I wanted the job but it just crushed me. I could feel tears across my cheeks and my heart sank into my stomach.

My brave face just collapsed. It wasn't not getting this job; I don't think I really would have liked it all that much. It was all of it. It's the 32 jobs I have applied for and not heard a thing. It was the explosion of that last night's reprieve from the lurking fear that this may never end and that I may never find something. It was the fact that this made me doubt myself. How can I remain positive when I have nothing externally reinforcing my decision to feel that way. There’s this line in a movie that says “it’s hard to keep momentum when it’s you that you are following” and it’s true. I hate that I am starting to really wonder if I ever was good at what I did to begin with. What even exactly is that? Does it matter? Did it happen? If I was so good, why doesn’t anyone want me? How does everyone seem to know so quickly that they don’t? I've always thought myself good and strong and successful and here I was doubting all of it and I hate this situation for making me feel that way. And it’s no consolation to know that however many other people in the country or state or city are in the same boat. In fact, to anyone who feels like offering that information to someone who has lost their job, kick rocks.

I cried at home and then was crying at Safeway when I went and bought chocolate chips to make cookies. I'm good at that.

When my husband got home he found me crying and we talked for a long time. He had been unemployed and it's amazing that his experiences were the exact same as mine. He has had friends who have gone through it to. Why doesn't anyone warn you about this?

I know I should be enjoying my time off and I am,. I know I'll look back on this summer and be happy for all of this reflective and relaxing time to connect and write and start anew. But today I just felt unemployed. I just felt like someone that no one wants and someone that has no idea what they are actually good at and what they're supposed to be doing.

I felt better after I worked out and took a walk. I know that a few months from now I'll likely be working somewhere and won't even remember feeling this way. I think that's how it goes. But I wanted to share this because if you lose your job, or know someone who does, be nice to them. Remind them that they're great once in a while because it's easy to forget. Fortunately, it passes and it is just work.

So I'll go to bed knowing tomorrow I'll be fine.

OK - there is hope!

I've been away at my parents house for a few days and did some job searching from there. I was so excited to find two jobs to apply for that I hadn't already applied for AND look really exciting. There is hope. And I know summer is a terrible time to look for work because everyone is planning vacations and it's a more laid back time at most offices so I'm excited there are a few things to get me jazzed.

I've also been having some fun thinking of ways to make a living that don't necessarily involve an office. I don't mean the lottery. I just need to think of something worth writing about. Or worth doing. Hmmm...I'll keep thinking. In the meantime I applied for both of those jobs and for one, I wrote the bravest, most aggressive cover letters ever. I basically started it with the sentence "After reading about your company and the position you have available, I cannot imagine a better person for your team than I". I wrote that. After I sent it I was nervous but why not? Clearly the "I am writing to request consideration for the position of..." isn't working.

On another note, I did find out that I am officially my nieces and nephews' favorite aunt. That trumps finding a new job to apply for. Well, it's a different contest but still is cool.

The state of economy worries me as I'm wondering if people will hold off hiring but I'll keep my fingers crossed.

Maybe there's nothing new out there?

It's Monday and I started looking for work again today as I always do. I have a pretty solid routine where from 8:30 until about 12:30 I look for work, write, and catch up on emails. So I have been searching the job boards and realized that I was applying for two jobs I already applied for months ago. Really? Those jobs are still posted? What's wrong with these people? I mean if they're not actually hiring why do they post the jobs and I've heard from a lot of people that this situation happens all the time. It's ridiculous. I understand they don't care about external people at that point but have they ever looked for a job and gotten excited about something only to find it wasn't available? Or, if I'm not the right candidate and they still haven't found what they're looking for, maybe they need to rethink it. Regardless, wishing they could have rolling rejections for these types of things. Just let me know where I stand. I have 30+ jobs I've applied for and not heard anything. Good thing I'm heading to my parents for a few days tomorrow - I need a break.

What's worse is that I have this overwhelming feeling of actual hatred for some people at my old job because as wrong as it is rationally, I blame them for me losing my job and when it seems like there's no prospects, I focus that frustration on those people. It may be unhealthy but it helps.

A new lease on it all

I was thinking yesterday about my last day at my job and I had thought back then that those days would drag on forever – not just because the weather was cold and grey either! I had no idea how much losing your job affects everything and now that I know, and have been through it, I think I have a better attitude about most everything including my next job.

My next job will likely be just a job. I mean of course I am expecting opportunity and money and something that is challenging and engaging but really I hope I don’t get as stuck believing that that job, whatever it is, is the most important thing I’ve got going on. I think that over the last few years, I had become lazy about a lot of things and over the last seven weeks I have really reconnected with myself in a way I had forgotten about. I now love spending time alone which I had completely forgotten how to do and I have fun with it. I hope I am being a better friend that I think I’ve been in the recent past. And the humility of it all, the applying for a LOT of jobs and hearing nothing, and dealing with the weird and fleeting feelings of insecurity and really working to build my sense of self-worth without a job reminded me that you have to work hard – at all of it. Keeping your friendships, being the funnest aunt to your nieces and nephews, being a positive person and all of it takes effort. Maybe that’s what we should be spending the lion’s share of our heart’s passions doing. Of course you give your work your all. It’s fun to have a job you are encouraged and challenged by where your coworkers and environment are engaging. But it’s just part of it. The friends, the family, and really most of all you is what it’s really about. You don’t get any of your time back later if you don’t spend it well. There is no rebate on life if you don’t use it wisely. It’s a privileged viewpoint I know and it comes from being indulged by the people that I love and who love me but it is how I see things now and really want to remember to see them from here on out.

It's the beginning of a new week

I was surprised yesterday to realize that I have been out of work for just about five or six weeks. I had no idea so much time had passed and reading some of the stuff that I have written here, I can only vaguely remember all of the emotional stuff that I went through in the transition. I do still at times refer to my old company as my company when talking to friends who are still there but that's just old habits dying hard.

It's fun to think of myself as a person in progress rather than as a job title. It's really fun to have so much experimentation in terms of finding new ways to make money.

The online auction market - I have sold stuff on eBay which I actually don't love because they charge a commission regardless of whether your item sells or not. But I am not sure if I could have sold the old bridesmaid's dress anywhere but there - to a man by the way. Fortunately he lives across the country so I don't fancy running into him in my dress anywhere, anytime soon. But I've made about $35 on eBay. I'm still doing well on Amazon with my books that I'm selling and the money is trickling in.

The online writing gig: eHow.com is a solid investment of my time. I really love writing these little articles and I'm up to earning about $20/month with really an investment of about 10 minutes per month so yeah me. It's worth trying. Here's the link to get yourself started. http://www.ehow.com/make-money-online.aspx?tcid=jun08_ref321

The online survey endeavor: Easily the most fun if not the most profitable. I am making about $3-$5 per day doing a survey or two. They take about fifteen minutes so the ROI is not really that good but I do them while doing other stuff like laundry or procrastinating or looking out the window so really nothing really lost there. Focus groups - $75/for an hour. The best money I've ever made. Now if I could only get about five a day I'd be set!
Great sites include: Consumer Opinions, Surveyspot.com, and Sendearnings.com

The reality is I will not get rich doing these silly things but it's fun and it's much more interesting to talk about than my old job. I really believe this. It is Tuesday morning and I've already applied to three jobs this week. Now I'm going to work on getting some informational interviews. Maybe someone who may otherwise reject my resume may be swayed by meeting me in person. I'll probably need to change out of my pyjama pants first though.

I'll keep you posted. Thanks for reading!