RATS! RATS! RATS! RATS!

Writers note: I am posting this with a day's hindsight because I needed a bit of distance to put this all out for you to see. For those who worry about me, I am totally fine and back to myself today but I wanted to share how I felt yesterday because I am certain more people should know what job searching really feels like sometimes and how it affects you in ways you wouldn't have thought before you started. I

I had my first in person job interview yesterday morning. Actually, I interviewed with three people in a row which is quite a change from interviewing with no people ever. I was super nervous but I think it went well and I wore the suit I bought my last day at my old job. The people, well two of the three, seemed to really like me and and they said that they would be making their decision at the end of this week or early next week.

I really wasn't sure about the job but after the interviews and as the day went on I thought about it and got more excited. I told a lot of people about the interviews because I guess I wanted them to know things were going ok for me --I imagine sometimes they might worry. I went to bed thinking about the job and thinking what my commute would be like, and what opportunities there might be for me there, etc. I thought the interviews went really well so that's how my brain works. It's like after you buy a lottery ticket and you think for the next little while about what your life will be like when you win. That escapism, that fantasy is really what the lotto is about - a few minutes to a few hours of daydreaming is great.

So this morning I wanted to follow up with the people I interviewed with and wrote them each a personal email thanking them and following up with what I thought were good and probing questions to show my interest and as a chance to really put in the "I want the job" ask at the end.

When I checked my email this afternoon, I got an email back from them thanking me for my enthusiasm but letting me know they didn't think I'd be a good fit. I know they weren't making their hire decisions until the end of the week but they knew in 24 hours that I wasn't it. I really didn't know if I wanted the job but it just crushed me. I could feel tears across my cheeks and my heart sank into my stomach.

My brave face just collapsed. It wasn't not getting this job; I don't think I really would have liked it all that much. It was all of it. It's the 32 jobs I have applied for and not heard a thing. It was the explosion of that last night's reprieve from the lurking fear that this may never end and that I may never find something. It was the fact that this made me doubt myself. How can I remain positive when I have nothing externally reinforcing my decision to feel that way. There’s this line in a movie that says “it’s hard to keep momentum when it’s you that you are following” and it’s true. I hate that I am starting to really wonder if I ever was good at what I did to begin with. What even exactly is that? Does it matter? Did it happen? If I was so good, why doesn’t anyone want me? How does everyone seem to know so quickly that they don’t? I've always thought myself good and strong and successful and here I was doubting all of it and I hate this situation for making me feel that way. And it’s no consolation to know that however many other people in the country or state or city are in the same boat. In fact, to anyone who feels like offering that information to someone who has lost their job, kick rocks.

I cried at home and then was crying at Safeway when I went and bought chocolate chips to make cookies. I'm good at that.

When my husband got home he found me crying and we talked for a long time. He had been unemployed and it's amazing that his experiences were the exact same as mine. He has had friends who have gone through it to. Why doesn't anyone warn you about this?

I know I should be enjoying my time off and I am,. I know I'll look back on this summer and be happy for all of this reflective and relaxing time to connect and write and start anew. But today I just felt unemployed. I just felt like someone that no one wants and someone that has no idea what they are actually good at and what they're supposed to be doing.

I felt better after I worked out and took a walk. I know that a few months from now I'll likely be working somewhere and won't even remember feeling this way. I think that's how it goes. But I wanted to share this because if you lose your job, or know someone who does, be nice to them. Remind them that they're great once in a while because it's easy to forget. Fortunately, it passes and it is just work.

So I'll go to bed knowing tomorrow I'll be fine.