It's all about the merit badges

I think there should be a merit badge system for job seekers. We each are issued a sash with our layoffs and you get to earn badges for each step of the job search. It would give us goals to reach and maybe if we wear them out we get discounts at restaurants and bars.

Your first badge is your “unemployment badge”. You earn that for filing for unemployment but you can’t wear it until you go to the mandatory orientation for the newly unemployed. This may also be the last time you dress up for a while so it’s a great opportunity for a photo up.

You will earn a badge for “resume” when you get your resume up and going. You’ll undoubtedly feel a surge or pride when you read your resume and see how accomplished, talented and desirable you really are. Shininess of badge is not diminished by lack of response to your fantastic resume.

You can earn a badge for “worst interview”. Even better if this interview is also a meeting for any sort of pyramid scheme. I know of people who are invited to interviews only to sit through presentations about home cleaning, diet supplements, investment opportunities and more.

I believe there may also be a badge for the email lead which you receive unsolicited but sounds promising and eventually involves you following about 47 prompts, offering up your personal contact info and almost certainly ends with a phone call from the University of Phoenix, a satellite installation company, or an email from the attache of the Prince of Nigeria asking you to help him repatriate $100,000 just by providing your bank account info.

There is a special bonus badge available for “job fair”. Job fairs are offered throughout the city and for different employment focuses. I went to one last night that I was invited to through one of the job boards I signed up on. The job fair even required pre-registration so I thought it was going to be really a great opportunity. I should have known. The parking lot was crowded with all of us, each in our suits with our resumes crisp in new manila folders, looking for a good parking spot. The elevator up to the floor with the ballrooms was suit shoulder to suit shoulder wondering what we may find in the ballroom. When I got into the main room, I was surprised and not the least disappointed to find only five exhibitors were there. There were at least fifty of us in the room. There were two insurance companies, one payment processing company, one home security company, and a funeral home. Seriously. I did decide to engage the guy from the payment processing company who talked at length about their market share, infinite territory and possibility, and how you can make six figures. I talked about myself and handed him my resume. He handed it back and said if I was interested I could contact the recruiter which he didn’t really have any control over. There was no interviewing there. None of these jobs even had salaries. Of course you have infinite possibilities when all they offer you is limited training, a business card and no territory - maybe I'm not that kind of self-starter. At least the guy from the funeral home was good looking - infinite possibilities there too since all of us at some point need his services. The more friends you have and people you know, the better you will do with their company since everyone at some point dies. He said that. I said goodbye.

I got my badge. It’s all good. My sash is coming along nicely.

The reality is, all of us job searchers have these ridiculous experiences in common. It's kind of a rite of passage and frankly, if you can keep a sense of humor, you'll probably survive this a lot better. There are always those people that get a giant severance package when they lose their jobs and then get a new job the next day and ride to work on their white unicorn and eat ice cream for lunch and never gain weight. Those people suck.

For the rest of us. It might be taking longer than we had hoped or planned to find our next job. Maybe the time we are spending is showing us that maybe we're not getting what we thought we wanted because there's something even better waiting just a little bit farther down the road.